Not Looking Back....

I took my dad's advice and have taken a few days to "decompress and calm down."

No more crying, no more panic attacks, no more curse words or frantic outbursts. No more trying to make sense of it all, while accomplishing nothing. I am as calm and panic free as I can be--and trust me that isn't a lot. I have accepted what happened and feel at peace with it now, knowing it is for the best and I am a better person for it. But part of this acceptance is also letting it all out and not hiding behind it anymore. I am no longer ashamed.

So here goes.

On Wednesday, I was fired.

At approximately 2:30 pm, I was called down to the Business Manager's office--the same office where I accepted the offer of employment--and handed a sheet a paper. I was then told that my employment with their company was immediately terminated due to my "skill set not being appropriate for the position." While being asked if I needed a box to collect my things, I happened to look at my official "You're fired, get the hell out," letter and noticed that they spelled my name wrong. Pretty funny when you consider I worked as an Editor.

I walked back to my desk in a zombie-like state, where my "lovely" co-workers happened to have conveniently disappeared from and grabbed my stuff.  I said goodbye to no one--after the hell they had put me thru over the last 3 months, they didn't deserve a single thing from me. I am proud to say that I kept my shit together until I got to my car--I refused to give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. But the minute my car door slammed, I lost it. And how the heck my dad understood what I said between sobs, I have no clue. All I heard from his side was, "Those sons-of-bitches! Come home, okay? Calm down and come home."

Calming down was not an option at the moment, but somehow I was able to make the treacherous drive home on the New Jersey turnpike. And of course, my entire family had gotten the news and swarmed to my house. All had their own advice and assurances, but honestly I didn't hear any of it. My mind was swarming with student loans, car payments, insurance bills, and the biggest sense of failure I had of date. The last was the worst bit--I left a job where I had security and made a big to do about it, and now was fired just shy of 3 months. And as I filled out the unemployment application my sister had pulled up on the internet, I felt the gravity of the situation even more.

I was now a stereotype.

After that, I needed to get out of the house. I retreated to my best friends house where she had a large cocktail waiting for me. I pretty much spent the next three days with her and her family, which was probably the best thing I did. Because they kept me laughing and not welling up in dread and anxiety. Eventually, my other friends found out and I had a large outpouring of support and understanding from them and most of my family.

But I was still pretty ashamed of the entire situation.  I hated having to explain to people what happened, why I was fired and what they said to me. I have always been proud of the fact that I have never been fired from a job, even part time jobs in high school. But reviewing the entire situation  over and over made me realize one thing about my 3 month employment stint--I was a scapegoat. My co-workers had an issue with me from the minute I walked into that office. If it was my age or qualifications, I'm not too sure but they were hateful, spiteful people towards me from the get-go. They never gave me a chance to prove myself, but were quick to run to my boss every time I made a mistake. At times, I felt like I was in Nazi-occupied Poland because everything I did was watched and reported back to my superior. One woman in particular--a self-proclaimed "Church Lady"--liked to keep running tabs on me. If I stopped working for even an instant, she was breathing down my neck and running to my boss with accusations and lies--and I know about this because my boss called me down to her office several times and told me. Really, I should've seen it coming, especially when they made a huge deal about hiring someone as an editor the week before. All this to say, I was fired to make room for this woman. And in retrospect, they hired me to fill a space temporarily--again, I know this because my boss was constantly pressured by the business side to hire more people, which she refused to do. I was hired to shut them up, and then fired when someone better came along.

My "skill set" had absolutely nothing to do with it. But it did have everything to do with caddy, high school bull shit.

But even after this introspective look at the situation, my biggest enemy was  still my ego and pride--most asked right away if I could go back to my other job or take a waitress job to compensate the unemployment. Both of which I completely shot down. "I'd rather chop off each of my fingers one at a time," I told them. I refuse to take a step back.

So where do I go from here?

Back to sending out resumes and applications
My unemployment has been accepted and will kick in in about a week
Of my two student loan carriers, only one (naturally the lesser payment) is willing to defer my payments until I secure employment--stress number 1 at the moment
My parents are in constant vigil over me, trying to keep me busy
My room has never been cleaner
I am grossly aware of my bank account and what I spend
I am happier

Most of my friends think I should take the summer off and just enjoy myself--a summer vacation of sorts. Which I will admit I am half tempted to do. But I think I will try and focus on writing and getting a publisher for my novel and go from there. I do have an interview Thursday for an editing job with a firm I had interviewed 3 times for back in December. They were actually thrilled to hear from me, so I guess that's a good thing.

I'm not sure what happens next for me. But I do know this situation hasn't beat me. More importantly, those bitches haven't beat me.