Wanna be a Paperback Writer....

After yet another failed interview--which included 3 return visits, risking my current job by making up fake doctor appointments, driving an hour each way and paying tolls every mile--I find myself at yet another road stop. So assured was I that I had nailed my first writing/editing interview for a local medical publication that I started planning what I'd do with my huge pay increase. A European excursion was on the horizon and ready to be booked with one paycheck. Things were looking up for me.

For the first time in I don't know how long, I truly had hope for a better future.

A week later--only after sending an anxious followup e-mail--did I get the dreaded one sentence reply.

"We greatly enjoyed meeting you, but unfortunately we offered the position to the other candidate."

Never realized how much one damn sentence could hurt.

But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.

I graduated from college in 2009 with my degree in English and Creative writing. I had aspirations of a writing career that spanned decades, that all would start with the completion of my first novel that was already at its half way point. I had figured I'd get a job in the editing field or more specifically writing for a local newspaper, as I already had a decent amount of experience. 

As I did the ceremonial sweep of my graduation cap tassel, the world seemed to have taken a literal shit. Beyond the hollowed walls of my university, the world was in the midst of an economic collapse and massive unemployment rates that we have yet to recover from. 

Mine is the story of most recent college graduates. Forced to take menial jobs just to pay the bills.

For me, that was a step into the financial field at a local credit union. More specifically in a call center--or as I'd like to call it "Hell". "It's a filler job," I'd tell myself at night after yet another excruciating day of answering calls and being called an idiot by lovely members who didn't understand that they couldn't put dimes into our ATMs (or as they liked to call, the "ATNT" machines). "It's just until my writing career picks up," I reminded myself. 

I wrote at night, finished my novel and starting looking for representation.

It's been two and a half years and no book deal and I'm still stuck at the bank. Sure, I've moved up in the world. I now process Consumer Loans in a separate department. But there is still a slightly demeaning part of working in a position that a trained monkey could do (trust me, she files our faxes).

So this job opportunity crossed my path and I figured I was a shoe-in and all of my problems would be solved. 

But life had another kick in the pants for me.

Days have been dark lately. Depression can really knock you on your ass in the worse way. I've gone through it before, but this time it seems a bit different. The intensity is more palpable. I have thoroughly scared the crap out of my family and a few of my friends lately and I deeply regret it. 

So what do I do?

A good friend of mine directed me to this site and one particular blog post by another creative woman who was going through a bought of depression. In her words and honesty, I found hope and light. And more importantly, I'm writing again.

This is what this blog is for. Me to vent frustrations. An outlet for my stories. Just a place to be me.

-PL