Only Hours Left...

Today I signed my official resignation. I designated where I would like my 401k to be distributed--which seriously if you ever have to do this, ask an adult (aka 50+) because you can easily screw that shit up and end up paying the government MASSIVE amounts in taxes. I filled out my "Exit Interview" survey--which let's face it, I was a lot nicer than I could've been. I was tempted to write "ADIOS ASSHOLES", but since my cousin is head of HR I decided against it. I took down all the pictures and other personal touches from my cubicle--including my 2011 John Lennon Calendar which, yes I haven't taken down yet simply because. I have one full day left in the financial field before I embark on to my *hopefully* bright(er) future.

I sat back for a few minutes today and took it all in. At my now bare cubicle and desk--a bareness that strangely made me feel claustrophobic and anxious. At the mounds of paper that were stuffed into my recycling bin--the policies and procedures that it would no longer matter if I didn't have memorized. To the stack of pictures I was taking home with me--it's funny I actually found a picture of my ex in my drawer, which I promptly tore to pieces.

Looking at my empty desk, devoid of personality and charm, it finally hit me that tomorrow is my last day at the job I have inhabited since graduating college.

 I'd no longer have to worry about making quotas every month. The constant stress of being fired if my goal wasn't met was released from me. Dealing with the ignorance of humanity on a daily basis is no more-- "No, you cannot apply for a loan if you are on unemployment", "No, we cannot combine credit scores to qualify you", "Yes, you need to come into a branch to sign documents. No your mother cannot sign your documents for you. Why? Because she is not you", "Mame, is there a reason you put your daughter's social security number as your own? Oh, because yours isn't good? No we cannot use that. Yes I understand she lives with you. Yes I understand 'you're good for it'. Why? Because she's 12 and you are not her". I will never have to answer another question about balances or how to improve ones credit--"Well sir, you've applied 19 times for a loan with us in the last 6 months. Yes, we have to pull your credit each and every time. Your score is low because you pull it so often. Yes sir, you should stop doing that". No longer will I have to deal with obese, smelly co-workers, who in fact do not bathe and like to brag about it (oh yes, this woman sits next to me. Right under the air vent. She smells like a mixture of cat piss and mold. I've complained a few times to management, but I guess being pulled into the office and told by HR that you need to start showering isn't enough to bring the point home. And I'm not being mean--this woman is lazy in all forms and would rather sniff *other substances* rather than her own stench). Every two weeks, I won't look at my measly paycheck and think, "Wow! $450 in student loan debt a month for this". No longer will I think about the greedy old men who run the bank, all the while pocketing the majority of my hard-work every month--every year the CEOs and managers take an all expense-paid trip to Florida for "meetings". Yes, these meetings take place poolside, with alcohol beverages flowing and work is the farthest thing from their minds. And I work to furnish these little vacations.

Never again will I have to report to a bank every day. Never, ever again.

It all flew through my mind this afternoon and yes, it made me very happy. I was smiling the majority of the day to tell you the truth. But then there were also a few moments when I had a hard time catching my breath. I felt like any second I was going to start hyperventilating--I was actually on the phone with someone closing up a loan when one of these little spasms hit me. I had to very quickly end the call and go outside to calm down. It was the weirdest experience; to go from such highs to very low, lows. As I sat outside in the bright sun and felt the wind on my face, I realized why I was freaking out.

Deep down, I knew I was gonna miss this place.

Not the job (I've outlined pretty descriptively how much it sucks, so I don't think I need to go there again), but the people. The people I work with every day (sans the smelly neighbor) and commensurate over the bullshit we had to deal with. My "team" is pretty close knit and we are all there for each other no matter what. For example, back in September I had a slight nervous breakdown and didn't sleep for a week. I had to call out 3 days in a row and finally got put on meds to help even me out. In the course of all of this, I heard from each and every one of my co-workers; stating their concern and what not. When I returned to work, everyone was there to help me--my workload was divided by three and they let me ease myself back into full working speed. There were never questions asked or accusations made;everyone just pitched in and helped. And that is our mentality towards everyone--in the past year, every person in my department had some sort of personal tragedy, sickness or needed support in a tough time. And we've all rallied around them. Our job sucked ass, but we built each other up to make it as easy as possible.

And I've been honest with a few of my co-workers about being unhappy and looking for other employment. Instead of resenting me or reporting back to managers, they pushed me forward. "Don't you dare get stuck here," my supervisor has said to be on a daily basis for the last year. If she heard that I had an interview, she would hug me tight and tell me they'd be crazy not to hire me. Pep talks were there after every disappointment and undying support came when needed.

They are the reason I never gave up hope. Why I laughed at the end of each day, instead of cried. Who I rushed to work, just to gossip with. Who I would do anything for without being asked. Who will never be replaced in my eyes.

I think that's why I may cry tomorrow as I leave work for the very last time.I'll hand in my ID badge and I know they'll fill my desk quickly with another young hopeful. I'll be replaced easily, that's for sure with this economy. But deep down I hope that I'm not so easily replaced with my co-workers. I have to face that there are some I may never see again. That our relationship is forever going to change as I pull out of that parking lot. I'll probably hear from them less and less as the months go by. "Out of sight, Out of mind," kind of thing. But as with anything, you hope to leave your mark wherever you go. I truly hope that I have. And that there are times during the day, when they are bullshitting and laughing that they think of me and smile.

I know tomorrow is going to be rough. But I go forward with the hopes of a brighter future--ever mindful of the past and those who helped me get here.