My Rant on "Little Boys" Pretending to be "Grown Men" and bits of Advice for the Dating Gal

I've been back in the "dating game"--also known as unsanctioned, emotional torture on the woman psyche-- for a little over a year now. I'm what you would call a serial monogamous, as I've never truly been single for more than a few weeks since the age of 16. I tended to jump from one relationship to the next, finding solace, comfort and protection better in a relationship than being single. I'll be honest, it's not the best of ideas. It makes a person anxious to just find someone, really anyone to fill the role that the last guy left. It doesn't allow a girl to find something in another that they truly want and need, or realize their own misgivings and grow from it.

It truly resembles a game of leap frog.

Don't be fooled by their happiness in jumping. Dating, in any form, sucks major balls.

Where you leap from one relationship to the next, with no thought of what you left behind or any inner monologue about what you truly want. It's just a mindless form of entertainment. Just jumping over one guy after another.

But eventually, the frogs run out and the fun--if ever there was any--has to end. And you're left standing alone, having to pick up what's leftover--which is usually the remnants of your self esteem.

 I am completely 100% guilty of this and should be punished accordingly. This tendency of mine has driven my friends nuts over the years, because they'd rather see me happy on my own than only happy with a guy on my arm. It is really just crazy to jump right into another relationship when you're heart is still  with someone else--not matter if you're the dumper or the dumpee, pain is always behind ending a relationship.

So, for the last year I've been single. I've been on countless dates, kissed a lot of frogs, and broken a few hearts along the way. I'm actually pretty proud of the fact that I have been single for as long as I have, simply because I have finally realized what I want out of a guy and a relationship. I could've been in at least 5 relationships at this point, but have chosen not to. Why you may ask? Well, each circumstance had it's own reasoning but here are a few highlights;

1. Too young/ old

       My general rule is if he's more than 2 years younger, it'll never work. You are at very different points in your life. The same goes for older, but there's more of a year difference. Being 26, I try to keep my men (hahaha) within the 26 to 30 age gap. Anything over just seems silly to me.

2. Life goals and interests

       I went on a few dates with a guy who basically wanted to marry me after the second date. Sorry, I am nowhere near ready for that kind of commitment especially after only 2 dates. I still want to have fun. But on that same note, fun is fun but definitely not a way of life. If you only work seasonally because you want time to go to bars and "party it up on weekends," sorry, not interested. And if you wreak like alcohol every time we hang out, please see yourself to the door.
3. Personal hygiene
      This is pretty self-explanatory. If you don't take care of yourself why should I give a damn?

4. Bad kisser

      I was once mauled by a guy who was convinced he was a good kisser. He basically scared the crap out of me with his tongue and left me pretty confused in its aftermath. He quite literally licked my lips, and thought it was sexy. It was not.

5. Not physically/mentally attracted

     There is only so much alcohol can do. And looks can only get you so far. That initial attraction is needed of course, but I've found that that starts to fade after a few dates. I went out with a guy 3 times, all the while trying to convince myself that I was attracted to him. He was dumb as bricks and didn't do much to hide it.

Now I know you must be thinking I'm a man-eater, that I go through men rather quickly and am always looking for my next prey.

I think this is what most men picture?

 In some instances, yes I would consider myself a man-eater of sorts--I get bored really fast and get turned off pretty easily. It actually astounds me how quickly my feelings can change towards an individual--I could start a date off planning our wedding, then be counting down the minutes til I can run for the door. Sometimes it happens as quick as the time between ordering drinks and receiving them. But on the other hand, when I meet someone I like, I fall hard and fast.

Which is what leads me to my next rant about the opposite sex. And I truly do not mean to offend any "men" reading this--unless you are involved in the particular circumstance I am alluding to, and in that case you basically brought this on yourself.

For the majority of the summer, my dating time has been focused on three individuals. No they were not simultaneous, but separate occurrences. I can never bring myself to date multiple people at once--my conscience would never allow it and honestly, I think I would lose track. These three individuals--who I obviously went on more than a few dates with and who I actually considered good boyfriend material--all had one thing in common. One trait that alludes most women when they start dating a new guy. A trait that dooms all relationships--no matter how long or short--and that which scared the very piss out of most.

Failure to Commit

 To me, it's the easiest thing possible. If we are hanging out as much as possible and basically acting like we are together already, what is the harm on putting a title to the situation? It's not making the situation any different than it already is--and the force of those words fuck with a guys head more than it does a girl, trust me on that. For a girl, all that title means is security. That she doesn't have to worry about you going around with someone else (well actually that's not true 9 times out of 10). Really it's all psychological. And guys need to get over it already.

Usually when the "talk" finally happens--being a conversation about where the relationship is going and what to consider each other--a guy can do one of three things;

             1. Give the girl the title (which she has rightly earned at this point)

     2. Run for the high hills

     3. Tell the girl that he likes things as they are and wants/expects to keep them as they are.

The third of which is probably the worst. Which is what happened to me in all three cases this summer. It's literally like pouring salt into a festering wound--the pain is the only thing that is keeping you from kicking the inflicter right in the balls.

The guy is basically telling you that you are not worthy of that title and you should never bring up this conversation again, but they want to continue to hook-up whenever it pleases him. Which in my case was unacceptable. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut as it is and if you honestly think I'm just going to be a little, obedient play-thing for you to play with when you wish, well then you are seriously delusional and need to invest in an anatomically correct blowup doll.

From said  personal experiences, I have realized a lot about men. And from this I have, again drawn some conclusions which resulted in the following list I've made for my male counterparts;

1. "Men" who are just getting out of "long-term relationships" should be shipped to a deserted island and left there until they are emotionally ready to date.

      Any interactions with these "men" is just detrimental to a girls psyche. They shouldn't be allowed to flirt or even talk to a girl who is emotionally ready to date. He is just setting this girl up for rejection and heartbreak.
2. "No" means " NO!"
       When a girl says "NO," do not beg or pressure her to do what you want. Especially when it comes to physical interactions. And seriously, don't do it anyway. Because that's borderline rape.

3. "I'm not looking for anything serious right now," should be stricken from the record.

       This goes along with number 1. If you have the gall to say this to a girl, you need to stay locked up in your house and call one of those 1-800-HOT TEENS numbers.
4. Do not treat a girl like a GIRLFRIEND then be shocked that she considers you her BOYFRIEND or wants that title
       Do not take a girl out on dates, double-dates with your friends, cuddle, snuggle, or make future plans that involve just the two of you. No matter what you think, doing any of these is NOT NORMAL for friends. These situations are reserved for real relationships.

5. Do not use any sort of emoticons while texting

      Again this only confuses the other. Especially the winky one ;) It's very misleading.
6. Do not tell a girl, once you've used the #3 phrase, that "I don't want to lead you on or hurt you."
      Telling a girl you don't want to lead her on is a moot point if you have basically treated the girl like your girlfriend from day one. And let's be honest--if you truly didn't want to hurt her, you wouldn't have pursued anything to begin with. YOU are only concerned with yourself and not coming out of this situation looking like the bad guy.

7. No matter what we say, we ALWAYS lead with our hearts

      Hooking-up is never just hooking-up. There will always be an emotional connection in some form. So even if you feel nothing, know that the girl you are sucking face with probably likes you. Maybe you should take a note for our book....

So there you have it.
My words from the wise. My only hope for girls finding themselves in similar situations is that they will know to stay far away from guys who exhibit these tendencies. You'll be saving yourself a helluvalot of heartache.

For myself, I can proudly say my leap frogging days are SO OVER. I am hopeful that my Prince Charming is out there somewhere, looking for me with as much angst as I am looking for him.

But for now, I'll just continue to look.

Really There

My brother walked me down the aisle

On the day that would make me a woman.

My father wasn’t there,

couldn’t be there.

Cancer took his life

only the year before, but

 he was a relentless prisoner of alcohol,

leaving my family in shambles.

The screams are still fresh in my mind,

Never home, with one love in his life

And it wasn’t us.

In and out of our lives he walked, making

his back seem more familiar than his face.

Good memories replaced by those of

hate and destruction, changing the man

I thought I knew.

My mother loathes his existence, even

today, after his death.

But I can’t hate him anymore.

I needed him that day.

I needed him there,

Vodka aside, with me, in my moment.

Holding my hand,

convulsing with joy.

Head held high as evil stares bore away his paling skin.

Lifting the veil for a kiss,

Welcoming the new man in my life.

Crying, as he whispered

“You’ll always be my little girl.”

I would forgive all he had done,

love him with his mistakes.

And on that day of days

I wish my father was there.

Really there.

Too Early for Politics

*Let me preface the following post by stating that I am not political in any sense. I don't follow candidates, talk about political issues, and in fact I usually see myself out of conversations the second they turn to political jargon. Talking about politics only leads to verbal confrontations and heated conversations if everyone truly speaks their minds. I think it's pointless. Yes, I am a registered Democrat but the last election I voted Independent, simply because I didn't think it fair that I vote for one of the mainstream candidates when I knew nothing of their platforms. That being said, this will be the one and only post I make about politics. This I promise.*

Earlier this week, I agreed to help my youngest sister out and drive my mom to work.

My mom is a nurse at Temple University and when the lovely Board of Directors at Temple decided their employees were no longer entitled to free parking in their parking garage, my dad (who also worked in North Philly) started driving my mom down to work everyday. It was either that, pay $10 a day to park, or risk parking on the street--which if you've ever been to North Philly, you know it's basically taking your life in your hands. It worked out great until my dad retired and took a few side jobs, which started in the early hours of the morning. My parents ended up making a deal with my youngest sister--whose car literally blew up in the parking lot of Franklin Mills (true story). She was allowed full access and rights to their car if she drove my mom down to work on the mornings my dad couldn't. Again, it's worked out great for both parties since my sister decided to take summer classes down at Temple.

On Thursday she ran into a bit of an issue and asked if I'd help her out. It was one of her friends birthday and she was planning on getting really "shit faced wasted," and consequently sleeping out on Wednesday night. She kind of figured she wouldn't be up to driving my mom to work and since I'm still unemployed (and could think of no other excuse not to), she asked if I would do it for her.

So I found myself groggily braving I-95 and joining Philadelphia commuters at 7am on Thursday.

It actually wasn't that bad. I'm definitely not a morning person and the most annoying thing to me when you are driving with someone at that hour is if they try having a conversation. There is nothing I hate more than someone trying to talk your ears off or just speaking loudly at that time of the day (which my Dad is majorly guilty of). Luckily, my mom is not a morning person either and the car ride was pretty silent--except for the occasional interjection of directions from my mom.

On these peaceful early morning rides, I tend to zone out quite a bit. There's something about driving that usually puts my mind at ease, and it's usually when I have my best "thinks". My best ideas are always thought up like this. And yes, I totally admit driving on the highway is not the ideal time to have your mind wander, but I don't think you can get a prescription for ridolin just for driving. Well Thursday morning was no different, and I was in the middle of a pretty epic "think" when something ahead grabbed my attention.

It was a huge billboard that I'm pretty sure must've just been put up--I do frequent 95 a bit. It was red and trimmed in blue with white stars. With our patriotic colors, I figured it had something to do with the Olympics. You know, "Go Team USA" or some shit. As I got closer, I was able to read the advertisement. It reads;

"President Obama Supports Gay Marriage and Abortion"

Then in smaller letters beneath it, it reads;

"VOTE REPUBLICAN"
 
It was definitely a double-take, look over your shoulder make sure you're actually seeing this right, moment. I actually attempted to slow down and read it more carefully--I actually was tempted to pull over and snap a picture of it but if you've ever driven on 95 in the morning, you know it's a No-No. But no, I had not read it incorrectly.

This 7 word billboard--7 very blunt words--went right for the jugular. And not mixing emotions, this was an outright attack on President Obama. It's one of those stupid, political propaganda stunts meant to sway the masses of commuting Philadelphians to vote for Mitt Romney in the upcoming presidential election.

I get it, it's all part of the Election. The smearing campaigns, the millions spent on commercials and advertisements in our newspapers. Each camp will take turns digging in to the others past for anything they can use to vilify their opponent. It's all a popularity contest and we've only just seen the beginning of it. As we get closer to November, the American public will be nauseated by this nonsense.

Obviously I'm pretty used to campaign tactics like this, but I won't lie, seeing this billboard really angered me. Maybe due to the fact that I was half awake, but it also has to do with the message it relays to the public. The billboard was a complete and utter malicious low blow and it's only speaking half truths on both ends.

Gay Marriage is a hot item at the moment. Everyone has an opinion on it and President Obama has come under a lot of fire from conservative America when he recently stated his support of same-sex couples right to pursue marriage. It was a very bold statement to make and many applauded his bravery when he (in a sense) "came out." Personally, I think that President's choice to declare his opinion on the topic was completely contrived and was a well planned publicity stunt. Yes, I believe he does truly support his conviction and support of Gay Marriage, but I really would've respected him a bit more if he "came out" in a non-campaign year. Why did he wait 4 years to make this statement, when beforehand he was very mum on the topic?  Obviously it was to gain votes and support from wealthy liberals (particularly from Hollywood).

Regardless of timing, I don't think it's fair to attack him on his stance. I understand that conservatives and people who are religious are vehemently against same-sex marriage, but to tell you the truth it's time to evolve people. I understand that the bible thumpers look to what the bible states on the topic, but doesn't the bible also tell us to love each other unconditionally? That God does not judge his people and that we should treat others as we wish to be treated? That love is the purest form of Godliness of earth? I don't know....maybe I'm reading a different bible. Once conservative idiots get their heads out of their asses and realize that Gay Marriage is not a religious but a civil rights issue, then the world will truly be a righteous place. These couples only wish for the rights that heterosexuals garner--as in health benefits, life insurance and a normal family life. No one is asking the church to change its teaching--just let all human beings receive the same civil treatment. It's not going to go away just because a leader comes into office who says he will "illegalize same-sex marriage." And supporting same-sex marriage does not mean you are a bad person or unable to run a country.

Abortion is an even more controversial topic and another issue that Obama was attacked on via the billboard above 95. As it stated "President Obama Supports Abortion." Are you kidding me? Really? Who in their right mind would actually support abortion? And wording was the key with this. The billboard is pretty much publicizing that our President believes the act of expelling a pregnancy is a good thing. That women around the the world should line up around the block and use it as a form of birth control. Being a father, Barack Obama obviously does not support abortion BUT supports a woman's right to CHOOSE. There is a huge difference between the two. It's the difference between telling women, "Yes! Go get an abortion every single time you don't want to be pregnant," and saying "If this is the only way out, the option is there for you." Of using it carelessly as birth control and keeping the procedure safe and out of dark alleys.

Again, the issue of abortion comes down to a religious issue, which I totally get. God sends children down to earth and only he has the right to take away that life. Do I believe in abortions? No. Would I ever have one? Absolutely not. But I also understand why it needs to be legal--because women will go back to using coat hangers to expel pregnancies or traveling to other countries to have the procedure (where the surgery may not be as safe or monitored). Attacking Obama on this issue is absolutely demoralizing. Like many in our world, Obama sees that the issue of abortion is something he needs to put his own personal beliefs aside with and think about the safety of the people he governs. It's not something that should even be talked about with the election--and most refuse to even address it.

The billboard above 95 was obviously posted as a firecracker and meant to make a statement in support of one point of view--and try to sway the votes of the uneducated. It's an attempt to throw doubt on the integrity of our President and misrepresent his beliefs. It's just taking the campaign to a place it doesn't need to go--personal attacks that are really unwarranted. I have yet to see a billboard that states "Mitt Romney is a bigoted conservative who, if elected, will take the progress of the last 4 years back to a 1950 mentality," but maybe it's still in the works?

As you can see, this billboard REALLY pissed me off. And being angry over stupid nonsense at 7am is not an ideal circumstance. I'm really hoping that others feel the same way and the sign is quickly removed. Otherwise I'll find myself really angry on 95 quite a bit.

And who wants that?