Letting Go of the Ghost

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you do a lot of self-evaluating? Or soul-searching if you are a hippy-dippy, left-winger (don't worry, I am too). You spend a lot of time thinking about why you do certain things, if they are the right thing, how you can change them and overall how you can become a better person. It's really just trying to figure out if you are a sucky person and why that is. And if you are in fact a sucky person (which let's face it, most of us are), how can I "un-suck" myself.

I found myself doing that last week for some odd reason. Actually, it might have something to do with the fact that a relative that I despise with all my heart was staying at my house for an extended, wayyyyyyyyyyyy extended week and all I wanted to do was kick her the hell out. This "person" has a way of sucking the life out of everyone around her (my mom literally becomes a zombie), making certain family members feel like they are a child again, believes everyone around her is her servant (she has a signature glass lift and wiggle that means "Fill my glass") and is just a nuisance. In my opinion she is evil incarnate. She never had time for me growing up, but is now up my ass because I'm finally "useful" to her--mainly because I have a car and a license (which she has neither). Obviously, I'm on to her game and choose to act like she is invisible--the way she has treated me for 20 years of my life.

*I'm sorry I just unloaded a lifetime of crap on you, but it's been building for quite a while. This post will get better I promise!

With all this hostility building up inside me, it made me think, "Why bother?" The anger I hold against this woman is just making me miserable and stopping me from enjoying my family and my house. In essence, I am becoming what I despise--a miserable bitch, like this relative-- and do I really want to end up a frigid old woman whose only joy in life is the tipping of a wine bottle and the clink of ice in a glass?

Although I do enjoy wine and the clink of ice in glass, it's not something I want to live every day for.

Now I've been pretty open about myself in this outlet. I have no qualms about admitting certain things about myself; even the unflattering bits. I've described my quirks, weird habits and other idiosyncrasies in great detail--and if you don't believe me, take a gander at my post archive. You will find a plethora of information to hold against me. But in case you need a refresher, here is a list:

1. paranoid
2. slightly neurotic
3. claustrophic
4. can't dive (into a pool)
5. needy (at times)
6. lover
7. attention whore
8. lover of books
9. creative
10. sarcastic
11. witty
12. fiercely loyal
13. independent
14. self-aware
15. judgemental
16. defensive
17. hot-headed
18. intelligent
19. protective
20. introvert
21. party-animal
22. thinker
23. shy
24. stubborn

I could probably go on for hours and hours about my qualities, but I think/hope you get the point. Some of these qualities aren't the best or most attractive, but I've kind of realized (perhaps with age) that they are pieces of my life puzzle. That each individual piece is what makes up the big picture of who I am. That even the bad qualities are important in the scheme of things.

That all being said, I do have one more quality to add to this list which is really the subject of this post. This is a quality that I have a love, hate relationship with. It helps protect me but also keeps me from moving on and living in the now. It's something I really, REALLY need to change.

I am a MASSIVE grudge holder.

Like I'm probably the worst in the world and really Guiness World Records should award me a special plaque or something. For as long as I can remember, I've had a thing for not letting things go. The argument or fight may have ended, peacefully even, but in my heart that anger still lingered. And it would never leave. I'd carry it around until that fight was brought up again, even in a joking manner and the anger would just be regurgitated. I would feel everything afresh and new and sometimes I'd even forget that the fight was over and had ended months before. Most of the time I just let it stew, and usually it boils over when something unrelated happens. It's really just how I've always been and it's never been easy for me to let the anger go and move on. Like if you've ever upset me in any form, you can bet that I still remember the circumstances, how it felt, and that I am still slightly pissed about it. My friends like to say I have a brain of "useless information" because I remember everything, down to the smallest detail, and can recall it on whim.

Want an example? I thought you'd never ask!

I have this neighbor. She lives up the street and has for as long as I've lived in my neighborhood. She's my age and has 2 younger sisters who are exactly my younger sisters age. Her mom is a nurse and her dad worked as an electrician--same as my parents. We went all through gradeschool together until I transfered in 5th grade, and played on a lot of the same sports teams. On paper, we should've been the best of friends as we had a lot in common. But it was actually the exact opposite. I hated her. Actually, more than hate. I loathed her with every part of my being. I think it all stems back to when we were both six and she made some sort of smart ass comment about my mom in my presence, and to my mom's face. Now when you are little, it's kind of a no-no to talk about someone's parent, especially if you are making fun of something about them--which in her case she was. I just remember being mortified and feeling awful for my mom, but I also wanted to punch her in the face. And after that, as we got older and started going to catholic school--which I swear is the breeding ground for bullies and bitchy girls--she became my nemesis and the soul reason I hated school. She picked on me quite a bit as she was in the popular clique and I was quiet and a little more reserved--a trait I grew out of the minute I transfered schools. I remember crying quite a bit in those days, especially after soccer or field hockey games where she loved to humiliate me in front of our team.

Now it's been at least 15 years since all of it began, her family still lives up the street, and I see her out quite a bit. But I still don't give her the time of day. Most mature adults would think, "Oh we were children then. I'm over it." Nope. Definitely not me. In fact, last year on Christmas Eve, I saw her in the parking lot of our church as we were leaving mass. She saw me and waved with a big smile on her face. In return, I pretended I didn't see her and kept walking with a snarky look on my face and my nose up in the air.

Immature? Hell yes! Justified? Hell yes! Why the heck would I act like we are best friends when clearly we never were, just because a lot of time has gone by? My attitude towards her isn't going to change just because now, after all these years, she sees me as an equal. I'm sure she is a perfectly nice person--actually I'm probably being too nice, but whatever--but I'm not about to give her the time of day.

I realize now that my grudge-keeping is a defense mechanism. That I don't give people a second or third chance simply because I don't want to get hurt again. I don't trust people's intentions once they've hurt me once. Grudges protect me--they keep those memories fresh in my mind and keep people at an arm's length.

Although it hasn't let me down to an extent, I think I really need to make an effort to change. Holding grudges is honestly stressful and it harbors a lot of hostility and anger in my life. It's really not necessary. It doesn't allow me to live in the present, because I'm holding so fiercely to the past. Really, who wants to live like that. It's just constant drama that I don't need anymore. Maybe I need to grow-up and move on.

As part of this "soul-searching" week, I kind of decided to reach out to someone I had absolutely no intention of speaking to ever again. I felt the need to contact my ex-boyfriend from about 2 years ago and chat for a bit. This guy dicked me over royally. For two years, he made me feel completly and utterly worthless. He toyed with my head, was emotionally abusive, and frustrating to the tenth degree. It was 2 years of hell, of which I really wish I could get back. He hurt me worse that any other man has ever done and I have hated his guts and wished nothing but awful things for him. All in all, he broke my heart. I've been holding on to a lot of anger and pain when it comes to him, making myself into the victim--when I know deep down I wasn't without faults in what transpired. But now, it just seems trivial--we were both really young and I don't think he knew how to handle a serious relationship (as I was his first serious girlfriend). At this point I really need to let it go and in my heart truly forgive him. That maybe the reason I haven't found someone to be truly happy with is because I'm still holding on to a lot of baggage and bull shit. And maybe reaching out to him and having a civil, allbeit short, conversation was my way of letting go of the ghost. It was the only real way of forgiving him--to talk about where our lives have taken us and wishing the other well. We talked for maybe a total of 15 minutes--about my book, his work, our awful commutes to work, and just wished eachother the best. It was 100% normal and without an ounce of anger on my end--which I've never been able to hold back when it comes to him. I took a lot away from it. Hopefully he has grown up and learned from our relationship. I know I still am.

I know it's not earth shattering or life fulfilling, but it was a big deal for me. Reaching out to him was kind of a breakthrough. It's baby steps to most, I know, but considering how much I hated this guy I think it's great, big, giant steps. I'm heading in the right direction I believe to being a happier person. Am I going to contact every single person who has ever wronged me, who I hold a grudge against? Probably not--for one, it would take wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too long. Honestly, some people are just not worth the effort. I'd rather just move on and try to let the past lie. I'm just trying to actively not hold grudges anymore and live my life positively and in the present.

And if you're wondering if I plan on forgiving the aforementioned "relative" and my grade school nemesis, the answer is pretty simple.

Hell no.

That would take a miracle. And I am not Jesus