I'll fill you in a bit:
In the past, I've written a bit about my aunt who's very sick. She's going through her 4th bout of cancer treatment--4th time in 6 years--and things aren't going too well. She's been in and out of the hospital the last 2 months from complications from her last surgery. This latest hospitalization has been due to internal bleeding from the stitches in her bowels opening up and fluid in her lungs--which she's now on oxygen because she can't seem to catch her breath. She's very frail and weak and has lost about 50 pounds from her already tiny body. She literally looks like one of those starving kids in Africa that there are infomercials about, begging for "10 cents a day."
I really just don't know how much more she can take. She's been through so much already, physically and emotionally, and I don't think she can survive much more. It just doesn't end, and every time she turns a corner and things seem to be looking up, something else happens and sets her back 10 miles. And I know she's at her breaking point--she refused to answer my mother's calls for a week when she wasn't feeling well because she didn't want to go back into the hospital, which scares me because it's like she's given up. And she can't. We need her here with us. We need to see her smile and laugh at old memories. Her son just got engaged over the weekend and it should be happy time for all of us, and it is, but he almost feels like he has to rush the wedding now. Time is against us all, especially her.
It's just hard to see her in so much pain and not be able to do anything about it. I can't even look at her without bursting into tears. I don't know what we'll do if we lose her. I really don't.
I've also written in the past about my grandparents moving in with my family. Well it happened back in March and they've been living with us for about 5 months now. But I don't think I explained anything about my Aunt Paula, who is also now living with us. She will be 50 in February and is mentally handicapped. She was never diagnosed--because back then they just threw people like her into mental facilities and tried to forget about them--but she is autistic. My grandmother did/and has done everything in her power to protect her from the outside world, which has also stunted her tremendously. My grandmother stills cuts her food, dresses her, bathes her, and caters to her every whim. She has no social skills, has the mind-set of a 5-year old, and is as stubborn as they come. It's become quite a challenge in the last few years because she doesn't realize my grandparents are old and can't do things for her like they used to. All she does all day is watch TV and eat--while my grandparents serve on her, hand and foot.
All this aside, she is very smart. She knows exactly what she's doing and everything my grandmother does for her, she is fully capable of doing for herself--we know this because when my grandmother was in the hospital last month, she was able to do everything herself with a little prodding. But she chooses not to--and when my grandmother came home, she went back to her act of "helpless child". She chooses to let my grandmother struggle with opening jars, walking across the room to answer the front door when she is sitting ten feet away from it, and pushes her buttons just to get attention from her and from all of us. She uses her handicap to her advantage and acts dumb to a lot of things--when we all know better.
It is getting very frustrating for me to keep my mouth shut and be understanding of her predicament. I don't have patience for bullshit and I'm about ready to explode. I know I sound awful, but it's a lot to handle 7 days a week, and the way she treats my grandmother angers me. I have never wanted to move out of my house so much in the last 3 months. But.....then I feel a lot of guilt when I think like that. Because my parents need help controlling the situation and it’s something they will have to live with for the rest of their lives-- my dad is her legal guardian.
I'm trying to keep my cool, but every day is a challenge.
On this blog, I have touched on a bit (indirectly) about my relationship woes. My current boyfriend has a drinking problem. Actually......no, I've never lied on this site and I'm not about to. My boyfriend is a functioning alcoholic. He doesn't drink every day, but when he does he goes on these massive benders and drinks himself into a stupor. We've been together for almost 5 months and during that entire time, he has consistently blown me off to go get drunk or has simply forgotten to call me when we have plans and he knows he's not coming. He's embarrassed me on more than one occasion with not only my friends but also my family.
He keeps promising me he'll get help, that he'll change and make things better. But I have yet to see him actually do anything. He has yet to go to AA, has not stopped drinking, and I really don't think he thinks he has a problem. That I'm just over-exaggerating and making a tiny problem into something huge. Which, let me tell you I'm not. I've seen 2 of my best friends families get broken up because their mom's were constantly pulling their dad's out of the local bar.
I'm at my breaking point with him and I don't know what else to do. Every day I tell myself that things can't get any worse, but they do. I should just walk away and tell him to go F himself, but there's something that keeps me.
And I wish it'd just shut the hell up.
So needless to say, I have a lot going on right now. A lot that I really don't want to deal with, to be quite honest. Hoping things turn around soon, but I really don't see that happening.
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