Trying

I've been trying to write this post for a week now. Have started, stopped, deleted everything, thought really hard, broke down and cried, screamed, and tried to write again. I guess I'm a little afraid to put the words out there quite yet. That writing them down will make it more real and that this all just isn't some awful dream. And maybe I've fooled myself into thinking that, because it still doesn't seem real.

That she's not gone.

But I know I have to get it out. I have to write about her, even if its hard.

On Tuesday, June 17th heaven gained another angel. My aunt Ann succumbed to her 8 year battle with cancer. She fought hard--the doctors gave her a year after her first diagnosis--and she beat it for so long. We all believed and had high hopes--she always got better, always. But this time her body could take no more. She's finally at peace and feels no more pain. My uncle called us in time to say goodbye and I was able to kiss her and smooth her hair across her face, take one last smell of her to remember her perfume, hold her hand, and whisper in her ear to wait for me. She looked beautiful.

It was one of the most painful yet beautiful moments of my life. One I will never forget.

I think of her everyday. Wish I could talk to her everyday. I'm  worried she's lonely without us,  and wonder if she's still hovering around. Sometimes, I pray that she is. It gives me a little comfort that I'm not alone.

I just loved her so much. And I don't think this hole in my heart will ever be filled.

I'm uncomfortable with one word, that my mother uttered the other night and I felt the pain all over again. I literally told my mom "Please don't use that word." The word is the reality, but I refuse to use it. Say anything else. Say "Passed on." Or "Gone to a better place." Anything but that one ugly word that sends my heart spiraling. Again, words have power to me. Saying it makes it more real.

I hate it.

And I miss her.

Please pray for me and my family.
Especially Ann Ford.