But anyway!
After a nice night's sleep, I woke up at the truly indecent hour of 10:30 and decided I was going to do nothing today but veg out. I sat down at my breakfast table with my dad, as he breezed through the morning paper and passed me the pieces he was through with. While enjoying my large glass of OJ, he almost spit out his coffee from laughter. Being a retired City of Philadelphia employee, he likes to browse the want ads for any worth-while jobs ("But I only want to work 2 days a week tops," he always reminds me). Swallowing down the remaining coffee in his mouth he passed me the part of the paper that caused this reaction and this is what I saw:
Naturally, I had to look at this twice. Which I'm sure you do, too.
Yes. You are looking at this correctly. This is an ad, in the largely popular Job Section of the Philadelphia Inquirer, for Cocaine Users to "come on down to University of Penn"--yes, I'm trying to say that in my best cattle call voice-- for a trial study on cravings and an experimental drug that could cure this.
If you are still shaking your head in wonder, you are not alone. Because I've had to look at this multiple times today to really process it. Here are my thoughts;
1. Is this for real or a drug bust? Like cocaine is still illegal in the United States right? Couldn't any drug-operative task force for the City simply wait outside these offices and pick these people up for drug use, and possible possession? If I was a cop, I'd be down there in a second! Sorry, but it's the truth.
2.The ad is basic and there's no mention of an indemnity clause--so why would anyone feel safe coming out into the day light and admitting they use cocaine? Obviously if you are that avid of a user, you know how to use and keep it on the down-low. Who in their right mind would throw that away?! To add to that, do these doctors actually think they will have a huge amount of people knocking down their door to participate??
3. The money. This is a study for a drug to help with cravings and the participants will be compensated. Does it make sense to anyone that these people are being paid to be high on the off chance that these drugs "could" work? Obviously a prerequisite for this study is to be a person who uses enough to have cravings--an addict. An in order to get proper results, the addicts need to not only continue to use but use in excess so cravings are established. So, in a way the money needs to be used for the drug itself. Or if that's not the case, will the study provide the cocaine if at some point the participant can't afford it? Totally backwards, I'm sorry.
4. Obviosuly, a death-waiver will be signed in case a participant dies during the study. But shouldn't there also be a moral clause--if these participants die during the study, which is basically telling them to "keep getting high" and keep sobriety at bay for the time being, shouldn't something more be done? At least offer after-care where the participants are offered the option of rehab etc.or the resources to get clean.
I kind of know how these studies work as I participated in one during college. It was an oral HIV test that was about to be sent to the FIA and I guess they needed a few guinea pigs to make sure the thing actually worked. Now with the study I participated in, there were a few qualifications;
1. Could not be HIV positive or have been sexually active with someone who has been HIV positive.
2. Less then 2 sexual partners in the last year
3. Usage of protection in every sexual encounter
4. Between the age of 18 to 35
So, really it was an easy $160 bucks for me. I showed up for two weeks, twice a week, drank or ate different substances then had by mouth swabbed. They were testing to see if certain foods or liquids would cause a false-negative. I drank Coca-Cola, ate crackers, peanut butter and (nauseatingly) Chocolate Ensure. And within seconds, the results were in. It was an easy as a pregnancy test. Minus the anxiety.
And really the study was important in the long run, especially if it did get approved--the majority of people do not get tested for HIV because going to the doctor for the test scares the shit them. The oral, over-the counter test gives you the privacy you wouldn't have otherwise.
And I'm sure it's the same in this case. I realize Penn is trying to revolutionize and help those suffering with addiction and this drug could help millions get clean. And I'm also sure that the participants have to qualify in some way. I'm sure there's a list as long as my leg that you have to pass and they aren't just taking any junkie who walks off the street. The participants are probably people who actually want to get clean. But really? An ad in the Sunday paper? It seems more sensible to go to Addicts Anonymous or detox clinics.
Seriously, I would kill to be a fly on the wall at this study.....Just to see the types of people who actually show up as a result of this CRAZY advertisement.
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