Open Apology

Dear Stomach;

Hi. How are you? Good I hope.........

Okay, this is an awkward beginning to a letter, but this is sort of an awkward letter to write. I know we are pretty close--have been for 25 years. I tend to believe we have molded a pretty solid relationship and will go on growing as the years continue. But with this, I know I have put you through quite a bit. Okay, that's an understatement. I have put you through A LOT. In a situation like this, I don't know how else to express myself and I'd really like to avoid another drawn out argument--we both know the last one was brutal. I figured writing a letter would be the best alternative as it will allow me to get all my feelings out at once. I know you're going to have a lot to say but please, just read this all the way through with an open mind.

Okay, here goes.

I am sorry.

For everything.

You've been angry with me lately and I honestly can't blame you. I have been fucking you over a lot and have only been thinking of myself. It's totally and utterly selfish and I realize that. And you have graciously forgiven me on numerous occasions--yes, I realize this happens WAY too frequently. Thursday night was just a bit out of control I suspect and I'd at least like to give a short explanation.

So Thursday was one of my monthly Girlfriend Dinners. You know, once a month I get together with my friends from high school, pick a restaurant and catch-up for a few hours. It's really a lovely time and usually you really enjoy it. Well, our monthly dinner fell during Restaurant Week in Philly, which we never miss. And since we each take turns picking a restaurant and we've tackled the majority of traditional cuisines, I suggested picking a Chinese/Japanese restaurant so we could get sushi. You know how much I love seafood and sushi.

So really what was the harm in my suggestion? You've seemed to always agreed with it in the past--and trust me if you had I wouldn't be eating it again.

Surprisingly, I got to the restaurant early and found two of my friends there as well. We decided to indulge in a pre-dinner drink just to take the edge off from the day. I figured a glass of wine would suit me fine. I gulped down my Riesling like water, only then remembering I hadn't eaten since 8 o'clock that morning. I'M SORRY!

Needless to say, I was drunk by the time my 4 other friends showed up.

Then, for some reason I thought it'd be a great idea to order yet another glass before our food arrived. And there was nothing on the table to gnosh on while we waited. So I definitely didn't help the situation.

Now, back to the sushi.

With the Restaurant Week menu, it was four courses-- you picked from four options from each, the last being dessert. The majority of the menu consisted of raw fish or sashimi. You know I love raw fish and I've had sashimi before--absolutely no issue last Valentines Day, remember? Well, as I said the majority of the choices consisted of sashimi in some form. So I loaded up. "Bring on the fish," I thought. Yellowtail, tuna, salmon, and that other fish that I can't say. And being drunk, I gobbled down every last bit. Seriously, three courses worth. I'll admit it was a hell-of-a-lot of fish. My one friend actually started singing songs from "The Little Mermaid," which I found pretty funny at the time.

Being drunk I guess I just couldn't stop and yeah, it was all pretty delicious. And true, my "STOP EATING! THIS SHIT IS RAW" alarm never went off in my head--I guess alcohol must silence those internal alarms. I polished off the majority of my California rolls and sashimi before I finally felt semi-full. Then the fried ice-cream was served. THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE will now and always be ice-cream. Even though I was full, I scarfed it down.YOU KNOW HOW I AM!!

I honestly thought I was okay. I got through the meal, made it home, showered and was in bed by 11. I just figured you welcomed the multitude of food and enjoyed it as much as I had. Usually you do! So really, it's not my fault because everything seemed normal.

Obviously, I was wrong.

I couldn't get comfortable in bed. I couldn't lay on my stomach, on my side, on my back. Nowhere! A sharp stinging pain started to rise but I figured you were just full. And maybe I just needed to wait it out or maybe burp. Very quickly, I realized I was wrong. I bolted up right and ran to the bathroom. From 11pm until 4am, I was a devoted worshiper of the porcelain throne, as my dad likes to say. You showed me just how much you disliked my eating habits. In fact during that 5 hour time frame, you LOATHED me. Everything in me, every single morsel I ate was thrown-up into my toilet. Absolutely nothing could quiet you. And deep down I guess I knew I deserved it. So I let you have your way with me until exhaustion hit.

I guess my latest stint of food poisoning has made me realize a lot. And you sure made me pay for taking advantage of you once again. So I guess I'm just writing this to further my apology and possibly apologize for all the future occurrences. I will try and take it easy on the following foods;
      1. Buffalo wings/ anything with Hot Sauce
      2. Certain pastas
      3. Anything from Cheesecake Factory
      4. Diet Coke
      5. Onion Rings
      6. Hot Fries
      7. Greasy Fried Foods
      8. Beer

I can't promise I won't continue to indulge. That's just too difficult.
 

From here on out, I don't mean to hurt you, but sometimes I just have to.

                                            Love Always,
                                                Penny

PS- I'll be making that doctor appointment soon. I promise. Stop nagging!