Mission Statement

"Go into yourself. Search for the reason that bids you write; find out whether it is spreading out its roots in the deepest places of your heart, acknowledge to yourself whether you would have to die if it were denied you to write."

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

On the Eve of my Birth--Part Deux

I thought it'd be interesting to re-vamp a post I did last year at this exact time. It proved to be an interesting post for me, and a great way for me to look back on all that has happened in the last year. So here I go again!

2 days--48 hours, 2880 minutes, a helluvalot of seconds (my head actually started to hurt as I sat here and tried to calculate the seconds, so cut me a break! Wasn't a math major)--until my birthday. The faithful day I exited my mother's womb. The day my eyes fluttered open. The day my sister Megan became a big sister. Basically a day of infamy and a world celebration. Really one of the best days of the year. As of May 2nd, I will officially be 27 years old. 3 years away from being 30, entering the twilight of my life, and old lady status

And this year I am actually looking forward to it.

Which is a stark contrast to the last few years where I didn't want my friends to mention my age and I insisted I was turning 25 for the second time, or 21 for the fourth time. Literally, my friends weren't allowed to mention the number 26 last year. It made me feel queezy and incredibly sick to my stomach.

But this year is a bit different. I'm actually looking forward to turning the page on 26. And embracing 27 as my own for the next 365 days. And I'm not too sure why, to be honest. No one really likes turning a year older and seeing their lives slip away. Or realize that the last year has been a complete an utter waste and you are exactly where you were a year ago, just older and more pissed about it.

Which is usually how I look at it. And it should be how I look at the last year in reality.

This past year was a sour-assed, PMS-ing bitch in more ways than one. Right from the offshoot of my birthday I had problems:

The Dumps

  1. I got dumped literally 2 days before my birthday
  2. I got fired right after Memorial Day
  3. I was unemployed for 3 months
  4. I had no health insurance for that entire duration
  5. My Aunt's (who has had cancer 3 times) cancer came back right as the summer ended
  6. Took an awful and demeaning filing job and was basically harassed by a male employee who really REALLY wanted to take me on a date.
  7. Some pretty shitty situations with friends where a lot has been tested
  8. Dating sucks
But there was also quite a few great things that happened:

The Highs

  1. I had off for the entire summer and got to go on a lot of adventures (i.e. visit my Uncle Joe in Virginia Beach) and basically got to recoop and revaluate
  2. Decided on and moved forward with a book deal and distributor
  3. Saw my book go to print and handed my Pop the first copy
  4. Took a job with a engineering firm that isn't my dream job but I love all the same
  5. My grandparents finally moved in
  6. I'm going to be an aunt--My older sister is pregnant with her first child
  7. My true and best friends have proven themselves to me
  8. Falling pretty hard for a guy I just started dating
It's weird for me to think about this past year and see how up and down it was. Almost every shitty thing that happened to me had an upside that eventually surfaced. Like getting fired--I was MISERABLE there and treated awful. Yes, it was a shock and I was a wreck and embarassed for weeks but it gave me the time and energy to refocus on what I loved. If that hadn't happened, I wouldn't have made the decision to move forward with my book. I wouldn't have had the time to really sit down and decide on it.

The past year has really tested me in every way possible and has made me see that I can get through almost anything. That I have a solid support system who love me and care about me, and aren't ashamed to call me their daughter/sister/friend etc. The shit I've gone through, especially in the last year, has made me a better person in every way possible.

And really, I can only see things going up.

So keeping with tradition, my birthday resolution:

To keep being happy and doing what I love. To not worry as much about what others think, and do what I think is best. To live for me and for the now.


27....here's lookin' at you kid!

Birthday drink at El Vez this past weekend. Yummy and pink!
xoxo

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

5 Date Rule

I work in a male dominated work place--which is kind of understandable as it is a mechanical engineering firm that deals with the wholesale, design and engineering of car parts (is it sexist to say that cars and their parts are more interesting to men, than women?). On top of this, I am one of the youngest in my department and consequently the only single female. So, it's basically like I'm surrounded by a bunch of big brothers who like to look out for me (or live vicariously through me) when it comes to the dating world. Every Monday, my "cube mate"--who is my father's age--asks me, "So any hot dates over the weekend." He has also given me a curfew during the week--need to be home and in bed by 10:30--and constantly asks me if he needs to "break any guys' legs this week."

It's kind of cute, I will admit.

Consequently, my "cube mate" happens to know a lot about my dating life. He knows about the dates I'm going on, the guys name and profession, and how much I like them. Now a lot of the stuff I talk to him about is definitely not something I would ever discuss with my own father--which is a bit funny to me considering they are the same age--but he has given me some pretty sound advice over the last few months. Particularly when it came to the last guy I was dating--please see previous post "When to Reveal A Skeleton"--when he told me to "...kick that asshole to the curb already!"

I really do tell him--and the others around me who happen to be listening--everything when it comes to my dating life, and I'm not really shy when it comes to certain details. Particularly, my quirks and nit-picking when it comes to dates.

There's one rule that they find hilarious and its something I just started doing within the last year.

The 5th Date Rule

I've documented pretty frequently that I go on a lot of dates. Probably too many in fact. And the last year has seen a pretty big influx. I have this thing about NEVER SAYING NO when a guy asks me out. Call it my FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) complex, but I like to give chances to people. You never know when you could meet that next great person, or who he might be. So I never turn a guy down when he asks--unless I have huge reservations from the getgo. People say you meet "THE one" when you are least expecting it, which I'm not sure if I necessarily believe in but I'm also not willing to take the chance.

I'm not saying I get asked out every week or anything--and I'm also not trying to blow up my ego or make others think I'm so desirable that every guy I come across typically asks me on a date--but sometimes I may be talking to a few guys simultaneously. Not that I try and do this on purpose, but my FOMO complex sometimes overlaps. When it comes to actual dates, I try and keep it at 2 because it can be pretty damn confusing with any more than that. Due to this happening a bit more frequently over the last year (which I can only really attribute that to a lot of my friends wanting to set me up on blind dates with their friends or co-workers or becoming a bit more social lately), I came up with a guideline for myself. Actually it really happened by accident and is just one of those things that seems to happen extremely naturally for me as I continue to date.

I call it my "5 Dates Max" Rule

Basically, if I decide to go out with a guy (or guys) more than once, I have this 5 dates parimeter where every guy has a maximum of 5 dates to get me to want more. Or 5 dates not to annoy the shit out of me. Through much trial and error, I realized that 5 dates is my patience threshold--that it usually takes me 5 dates to really get annoyed and turned off by a guy. That usually midway through the 5th date, I know for a solid fact whether or not I have a future with that guy. Call it women's intuition or good foresight, but there's always something deep down that makes that decision for me. It's kind of like a little voice in my head that's nagging to be heard, and by the 5th date I'm willing to hear it.

The 5 dates is also not a gauranteed thing. Sometimes its done for me even before the 1st date is over. I've been out with guys before that I couldn't stomach for more than an hour, so future dates are definitely not in the picture. There are the few instances where I've given a guy a "do-over" first date, especially if they are a friend of a friend. Those circumstances are always a little more tricky because you don't necessarily want to piss off your friend or cause things to be fishy at work the next day. But if you go out with them a few more times, things are likely to get even more fishy for your friend--especially if you end it abruptly like I do with my 5 date rule--so be weary of giving "pity dates". They can really come back and bite you in the ass.

With my vast experience (again, I'm not trying to show boat), I kind of have a break down of how these dates go (for me at least).

First and Second Date

The "Getting to Know You" phase. Almost like an interview process. Usually involves you meeting him for dinner/coffee/drinks and sitting across a table and just asking each other questions. You are looking for commonalities, things of interest, hobbies you both share. You share funny little stories about yourself and basically attempt to charm the pants off your date. For one or both of you, the goal is to earn that next date. It's also usually a pretty short date--maybe 2 hours at most--and ends with you both going your seperate ways. Usually, you'll get a text an hour or so after firming up the next date, or the typical "I had a really great time. Let's do it again  :) "

Third Date

Usually a movie or some sort of activity. Like if it's nice out, mini-golf or walking in a park. Still a bit of that feeling out stage, but also doing something you both enjoy. It's important to ask yourself the following questions; "Can you sit through a movie with him? Can you find something you both enjoy? Can you handle a longer date than an hour?" This date is also more of a public date--more of an interaction with other people, not just something between the two of you. It's important to see how your date treats other people to know if you can be around them. If they are nasty or rude to a waitress, or impatient with a group of kids in a park, it's usually a sign you shouldn't go any further. Also this is the date where you typically drive in the same car together--some people do it right off the bat, but I tend to wait a bit. The type of driver they are also says A LOT about their character. And usually this is where that elusive "First Kiss" happens. A lot is dependent on that first kiss, so make it count (*and if it's awful, no further dates*)

Fourth Date

IF (and that's a big IF) you get passed the first kiss, this date usually involves one of two things; the "come over, I'll make you dinner and we'll 'watch a movie' (aka I'll order pizza and we'll make out for 2 hours) or a group activity with your friends (the first "friend meeting"). With the first, you get to see the other's apartment/house for the first time. Which means you are scrutinizing if they are a clean or dirty person in their own home. You also get to see if they actually made any sort of effort in having you over--did they clean their home or just throw everything in a closet. If they actually take the time to make you a meal (which I have had done for me before and it was very sweet) then they definitely have some potential. This is more of an intimate moment between the two of you, but shouldn't be taken as "You made me dinner at your place, so I'm going to sleep with you as a reward." If he thinks or expects that, kick him to the curb. The second option is a bit more important in my eyes. My friends liking the person I'm dating is pretty crucial as they will be around him quite a bit if it evolves into a relationship. In the past, my friends have met boyfriends of mine and had strong, negative reactions to them which was pretty detrimental. Once, the guy I was dating came to my house just to meet my friends and he ended up sitting in my living room the entire time, not interacting with me or my friends at all and he fell asleep on the couch. Yeah....didn't bode well for him after that.

This is usually the point where that little voice comes in to play.

Fifth (and usually final) Date

This date usually varies for me, because I'll admit I'm usually checked out at this point. I typically let the guy pick the date and everything to do with it. I usually just go with the flow because I'm really all in my head, worrying and overthinking things. Usually they are a bit extended--like full day dates. An activity of some sort that requires you to be out of the house and on the road at an early hour.

Now if you get to this Fifth Date, one of two things is usually happening for me.

First, there is a constant inner monologue being orchestrated in my head, deciding whether or not I'll be able to stand you after this date. I think to myself, "Is this guy so annoying that thinking about another date causes me physical pain (* and I'm not exagerrating this. One guy was so annoying that I ended each date with a severe migraine*)? Is there enough chemistry between the two of us? Do I feel anything for him? Is this date over yet?"

Or secondly, am I thinking, "Am I what he wants? Is he feeling the same way I do? Does he like me as much as I like him? Is he the next "big thing" in my life?"

It's a really tricky situation for me and it's a pretty intense feeling in my head. Sometimes it feels like my head will literally explode from all the analysis. But thankfully, by the end of the date (no matter now long or short) I have my answer. Literally, the little voice in my head has never let me down or kept me hanging. It says to me, "Yes....keep it going" or "No. He is not worth giving your single shoes up for." At that point, I am checked out completely and I get semi-cold to him. I admit it's pretty mean, especially if I'm stuck in a car with him for a long time. Like once I checked out at some point during a Phillies game date (which BTW, don't ever do a sporting event with a guy you are questioning because it is WAY too long of a date. Trust me on this) and the rest of the game and the ride home was pretty excruciating. He actually wanted to go out afterwards too, and I had to fake a migraine to get out of it--YES I know, it's cruel but I can't help it.


And being cold and making it semi-obvious kind of helps in the aftermath. If they think something is wrong when they drop you off, they won't be blindsided when you stop calling or texting. It's still out of the blue in a sense so dropping a guy after 5 dates (which usually comes out to dating a guy for a little over a month) is naturally going to get a certain reaction on the other person's part. For the first few days, you will get a plethora of texts but eventually they get the hint and it drops off. The worst possible reaction is if you have to basically spell it out to a guy and they end up calling you, which has happened to me before. Once, a guy who had made it to the 5th date but I didn't have much chemistry with called me and wanted a further explanation as to why it "just wasn't going to work." It was the most awkward 15 minutes of my entire life, and rightly so. I deserved it and he deserved a further explanation too.

My "cube mate" thinks my rule is pretty hilarious. Every time a new guy takes me out he asks, "Is he gonna make the cut? What date are you on?" And I guess it is a bit funny that I am that direct and organized with my dating life--but if you know me, it isn't very surprising. I don't have patience for anything in life, so cutting off a situation that is going nowhere is just easier for me.

And for me it's a proven method. The 5 Date Rule has never steered me wrong and has a great success rate!

All this to say, I just started seeing someone new and he just got through the 5th Date and with flying colors. Only time will tell....but I have a good feeling about this one!

xoxo

Monday, April 15, 2013

When to Reveal a Skeleton

I've stated in the past (and via my blog profile) that I use this blog primarily to keep the writing juices flowing. Weekly posts keep me on sort of a schedule and timeline. Makes me accountable and actively looking for things to write about. I'll admit I haven't been the best at keeping to my goal and lately I have been slacking quite a bit, but when I don't write every week I literally feel incomplete. I hear this awful, nagging voice in my head--which actually reminds me quite a bit of my mother-- that yells at me for not blogging. Literally stresses me out.

On top of this, I also use this blog as an outlet to vent my frustrations and, ironically, to relieve stress. I write about what is going on in my life that week, quirky little stories or original pieces of fiction. As I am currently a single gal about town, a lot of my posts seem to revolve around my dating life. Which I won't lie is pretty active. That being said, I do not intentionally use this blog to bash men or are feminist in nature. But, I am an incredible cynic when it comes to dating and a lot of my posts do turn into that. I do apologize if I offend anyone of the opposite sex or the guys I happen to blog about--actually I really don't apologize for the later. I do love you guys (obviously) but sometimes you all can be pretty damn frustrating--which I guarantee you will say about us too.

But.

This is one of those posts.

Sorry.

The dating world can really be compared to a very tricky game of chess.
It's all about strategy, keeping your players straight and your game plan under wraps. In the beginning you never want your opponent to know exactly what you have up your sleeve or your next move. It's extremely difficult and takes a lot of practice before you can master the game. Also like chess, it's never a good idea to move certain pieces too soon. Like moving out your Queen or Knight can completely throw off your entire game, or make your lose entirely--I know this and can make this analogy because I used to play with my Dad quite a bit when I was younger.Those two pieces are your most powerful aides in the game of black and white squares and keeping them under wraps until the last minute is the only way to win.

Obviously the same is true about dating.

In the beginning, it's best to not talk about certain things about yourself that an outsider may find strange. You need to be the best possible you and try to impress your counterpart. You need to think about your appearance, what you say and do, and always keep your crazy at bay. This also includes keeping  bodily functions and bad habits locked away. Personally, I don't want to hear the word FART or POOP within the first month of dating. MAJOR turnoff. Once when I was out with a guy and I said I wasn't feeling well--basically because he was driving like a jackass--he asked if I had to "Drop a Load". Yeah.....it ended pretty quickly after that.

With all this in mind, when is it appropriate to divulge secrets when you are in that critical "chess playing" dating phase? And I'm not referring to stupid little secrets--like that you don't change your socks everyday or you like to watch Saturday morning cartoons in your underwear. No, I'm referring to the big ones. The real duzzies. The ones that are life changing and could potentially ruin your or your dates lives forever. The major skeletons that you rarely talk about and are too embarrassed to admit out-loud.

When do you bring these skeletons to life? When do you clue the other person in?

Let me explain.

Back in December, I started dating this guy who seemed great. He was a union sheet metal fitter, had his own apartment close by my house, a car, a huge dog--that if I wasn't careful, liked to mount me every time I walked in the room--and seemed to have his shit together. On paper, he was great. We had a lot of fun together and my friends and my family seemed to like him. Everything was starting to move to a sort of serious place. He was about to buy a house in New Jersey--where he grew up and where his mom still lived--and wanted me to come help pick out paint colors and new furniture. He wanted to make things official between us--meaning giving me the girlfriend title--and move to that next step. And part of me wanted to turn in my dating shoes and settle down with him.

But I held it at bay.

Not sure why, now that I look back on it. Call it women's intuition, I don't know, but something kept me from taking that plunge.

And Thank God it did!

Almost 3 months into us dating, he dropped quite a bomb on me. Actually it was 3 nuclear bombs that had aftershocks for days.

In front of my friends, who he had just met, he decided to tell me a little bit about his sorted past. A past that includes 2 DUIs, a suspended driver's license--that he got a duplicate of in Pennsylvania before he had to turn in and was still driving (one of the reasons he moved to Pennsylvania in the first place)--and a warrant out for his arrest in Pennsauken, NJ for failure to appear in court and the mandatory alcohol classes. He also owes the township $3000 in fines from those charges, and they need to be paid in full before he would get his license back. He hasn't paid a dime of it.


Do I need to say BOOM!

My jaw literally dropped. I didn't know what to say so I think I did one of those nervous laughs to try and lighten the mood. But it really only made it worse because he started laughing and joking about it. My friends looked at me like I was nuts and I can only imagine what was going thru their minds--and if I was in their shoes I'd be thinking "RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN."

He went on about it for a few minutes, giving the details about each arrest--the first when he was 17 when he crashed into his 4th grade teachers lawn and hit her tree, the second a year ago when he pulled himself over at 3 am when he saw a cop up a head, which only alerted the cop. He was almost bragging about it to an extent; kind of like a badge of honor for him. It was bizarre. Literally laughing about it the entire time and not showing any guilt--he actually made fun of the cop for the second DUI. The topic quickly changed when no one asked for any further details, thank god, but later I cornered him and talked a little more in depth about it. He actually told me the cops in Pennsauken were actively looking for him in the area, and had stopped at his mom's house that week looking for him. He also told me that the house he was "buying" was actually going to be in his mom's name because he "really screwed up his credit"--he had 2 maxed out credit cards to TD bank that he hasn't paid a dime on and has no intention on doing so--and so he can legally live and drive in Pennsauken without the cops looking for him. Again, he laughed the entire thing off and said it wasn't a big deal at all. "It happens to everyone. It's hilarious actually." He tried pulling me into an awkward hug and I stopped him.

"You drove up here (*we were up the poconos with my friends from college*) with me in the car with a suspended license? What would happen if we got pulled over?" I asked.

Again, he laughed and said, "I'd go to jail for like 6 months or something."


I think I saw this flash before my eyes.

I didn't want to push the topic more that night, but it was definitely something I could not forget. And naturally my friends asked me about it later, which was even worse. I didn't know what to say to them or to even think for myself. I was literally dumbfounded and didn't know what to do with this information. I let the topic drop for the night but it was gnawing at my insides for days. And it only got worse when I was home thinking about it on my own

Like I'm not a complete hard ass and think people can't change and that it isn't a common occurence to do stupid things when you are young. And I'm not expecting to find someone at 26 who has a clean slate. I'm not that jaded. And it's unrealistic. Everyone has a past--that's why it's called a past. Actually I think if someone didn't have a past it'd be weird. Like they hadn't actually lived or they were too perfect to make mistakes.

But.

The fact that part of his past happened only a year ago is a little alarming. And that it wasn't a first offense. His attitude is what really threw me. He was bragging about it to my friends' husbands--who I might add do not have records of any kind and are pretty straight laced. He wasn't humble or seemed embarrassed about it at all. If he showed an ounce of shame about it, I would be more understanding. But he also told me for the first time in front of my friends and with people who he was just meeting for the first time. That shows no tact, growth or accountability for what he did. It was nothing to him. Literally like telling someone what he had for breakfast that morning; "Oh you know...I had scramble eggs, bacon, 2 DUIs and a warrant, and white toast. No biggy."

So again, I ask you, when it is appropriate to let those skeletons out? And is it appropriate to do it in a group setting?

To me the answer is simple: Divulge that shit early on and in private.

For me, we were about 3 months in to dating and it never came up. Now I'm seeing little things I should've picked up on (like the fact that we drove to Jersey twice and he asked if I would mind driving, or that all his family and friends were still living in Jersey and he was in PA) and questioned, but I never would've thought it was something like this. Obviously he was attempting to hide it from me, which is also puzzling because of his attitude when it finally came out--like the way he finally told me. But it's really something he should've been upfront and I don't know.....embarrassed about!

When you have a secret like that and you just start dating someone, it's something that needs to be discussed semi-early and one on one. If you wait, you look like a liar and that you aren't being a true person 100% of the time. And if you decide to tell that person in front of other people, you might as well pack your bags and ship on out. Because it is probably the most disrespectful thing you can do!

On the other hand, maybe it is better to wait until you have garnered the others trust and worked up some sort of a relationship. Like coming out with that information brings out the wrath of biased opinions and judgement, which can push the person away anyway. If you are truly embarassed about it, it is a good idea to wait and tell the other person at the right time. Cushion the impact to an extent.

Really hard call, I'll admit. But for me, it  was kind of a no brainer. That information was something I just couldn't get past. It wasn't the fact that he had this past, but it was his attitude towards it and he wasn't actively trying to better himself. It was a situation I didn't want to align myself with--and I couldn't really trust that he had grown and matured from it (it was the opposite really) and I didn't want to be drug down with him. But I am not a complete bitch and ended things with him just because of his past--there were also a number of other things that led me to end things, all had to do with maturity and the fact that he had ADD, stopped taking his medication because he "didn't feel like going to the doctors to get a new perscription" and was a complete maniac and child un-medicated.

Man do I know how to pick 'em!

Definitely learned a lot from my latest "chess match."  Background checks and psychiatric evaluations are a must from now on. Also realized my patience for bulllshit is basically non-existent when it comes to dating.

Until next time

xoxo

Monday, April 8, 2013

Relentless Speakers


He said, She said
The chattering is relentless.
Waiting for a single slip,
The hounds pounce on any weakness.
Beliefs are never your own,
All is forfeit to the higher.
Speaking against the grain
Leaves you alone and feeling none the better.

Stuck in the nonsense,
Words spill out, unintentional.
Hurting another’s feelings
As all part of the game, un-relational.
The vortex of words
Drags you in with inhuman force.
You stay to fit in
Giving in to the rant, with no remorse.

Your back is turned
And now you’re the victim of such hate.
Where to turn now
When you did the same to your friends of late?
Same old reason for all you said,
They were just words and none were meant.
But didn’t you join in
And add to the multitude of the rant?

Feeling powerless is no excuse.
Keeping the pattern strengthens the guilt.
Step away from it all,
See the pain and frustration built.
Is it worth it to
Break down innocence for ones own gain?
In the end
The drama isn’t worth the pain