5 Date Rule

I work in a male dominated work place--which is kind of understandable as it is a mechanical engineering firm that deals with the wholesale, design and engineering of car parts (is it sexist to say that cars and their parts are more interesting to men, than women?). On top of this, I am one of the youngest in my department and consequently the only single female. So, it's basically like I'm surrounded by a bunch of big brothers who like to look out for me (or live vicariously through me) when it comes to the dating world. Every Monday, my "cube mate"--who is my father's age--asks me, "So any hot dates over the weekend." He has also given me a curfew during the week--need to be home and in bed by 10:30--and constantly asks me if he needs to "break any guys' legs this week."

It's kind of cute, I will admit.

Consequently, my "cube mate" happens to know a lot about my dating life. He knows about the dates I'm going on, the guys name and profession, and how much I like them. Now a lot of the stuff I talk to him about is definitely not something I would ever discuss with my own father--which is a bit funny to me considering they are the same age--but he has given me some pretty sound advice over the last few months. Particularly when it came to the last guy I was dating--please see previous post "When to Reveal A Skeleton"--when he told me to "...kick that asshole to the curb already!"

I really do tell him--and the others around me who happen to be listening--everything when it comes to my dating life, and I'm not really shy when it comes to certain details. Particularly, my quirks and nit-picking when it comes to dates.

There's one rule that they find hilarious and its something I just started doing within the last year.

The 5th Date Rule

I've documented pretty frequently that I go on a lot of dates. Probably too many in fact. And the last year has seen a pretty big influx. I have this thing about NEVER SAYING NO when a guy asks me out. Call it my FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) complex, but I like to give chances to people. You never know when you could meet that next great person, or who he might be. So I never turn a guy down when he asks--unless I have huge reservations from the getgo. People say you meet "THE one" when you are least expecting it, which I'm not sure if I necessarily believe in but I'm also not willing to take the chance.

I'm not saying I get asked out every week or anything--and I'm also not trying to blow up my ego or make others think I'm so desirable that every guy I come across typically asks me on a date--but sometimes I may be talking to a few guys simultaneously. Not that I try and do this on purpose, but my FOMO complex sometimes overlaps. When it comes to actual dates, I try and keep it at 2 because it can be pretty damn confusing with any more than that. Due to this happening a bit more frequently over the last year (which I can only really attribute that to a lot of my friends wanting to set me up on blind dates with their friends or co-workers or becoming a bit more social lately), I came up with a guideline for myself. Actually it really happened by accident and is just one of those things that seems to happen extremely naturally for me as I continue to date.

I call it my "5 Dates Max" Rule

Basically, if I decide to go out with a guy (or guys) more than once, I have this 5 dates parimeter where every guy has a maximum of 5 dates to get me to want more. Or 5 dates not to annoy the shit out of me. Through much trial and error, I realized that 5 dates is my patience threshold--that it usually takes me 5 dates to really get annoyed and turned off by a guy. That usually midway through the 5th date, I know for a solid fact whether or not I have a future with that guy. Call it women's intuition or good foresight, but there's always something deep down that makes that decision for me. It's kind of like a little voice in my head that's nagging to be heard, and by the 5th date I'm willing to hear it.

The 5 dates is also not a gauranteed thing. Sometimes its done for me even before the 1st date is over. I've been out with guys before that I couldn't stomach for more than an hour, so future dates are definitely not in the picture. There are the few instances where I've given a guy a "do-over" first date, especially if they are a friend of a friend. Those circumstances are always a little more tricky because you don't necessarily want to piss off your friend or cause things to be fishy at work the next day. But if you go out with them a few more times, things are likely to get even more fishy for your friend--especially if you end it abruptly like I do with my 5 date rule--so be weary of giving "pity dates". They can really come back and bite you in the ass.

With my vast experience (again, I'm not trying to show boat), I kind of have a break down of how these dates go (for me at least).

First and Second Date

The "Getting to Know You" phase. Almost like an interview process. Usually involves you meeting him for dinner/coffee/drinks and sitting across a table and just asking each other questions. You are looking for commonalities, things of interest, hobbies you both share. You share funny little stories about yourself and basically attempt to charm the pants off your date. For one or both of you, the goal is to earn that next date. It's also usually a pretty short date--maybe 2 hours at most--and ends with you both going your seperate ways. Usually, you'll get a text an hour or so after firming up the next date, or the typical "I had a really great time. Let's do it again  :) "

Third Date

Usually a movie or some sort of activity. Like if it's nice out, mini-golf or walking in a park. Still a bit of that feeling out stage, but also doing something you both enjoy. It's important to ask yourself the following questions; "Can you sit through a movie with him? Can you find something you both enjoy? Can you handle a longer date than an hour?" This date is also more of a public date--more of an interaction with other people, not just something between the two of you. It's important to see how your date treats other people to know if you can be around them. If they are nasty or rude to a waitress, or impatient with a group of kids in a park, it's usually a sign you shouldn't go any further. Also this is the date where you typically drive in the same car together--some people do it right off the bat, but I tend to wait a bit. The type of driver they are also says A LOT about their character. And usually this is where that elusive "First Kiss" happens. A lot is dependent on that first kiss, so make it count (*and if it's awful, no further dates*)

Fourth Date

IF (and that's a big IF) you get passed the first kiss, this date usually involves one of two things; the "come over, I'll make you dinner and we'll 'watch a movie' (aka I'll order pizza and we'll make out for 2 hours) or a group activity with your friends (the first "friend meeting"). With the first, you get to see the other's apartment/house for the first time. Which means you are scrutinizing if they are a clean or dirty person in their own home. You also get to see if they actually made any sort of effort in having you over--did they clean their home or just throw everything in a closet. If they actually take the time to make you a meal (which I have had done for me before and it was very sweet) then they definitely have some potential. This is more of an intimate moment between the two of you, but shouldn't be taken as "You made me dinner at your place, so I'm going to sleep with you as a reward." If he thinks or expects that, kick him to the curb. The second option is a bit more important in my eyes. My friends liking the person I'm dating is pretty crucial as they will be around him quite a bit if it evolves into a relationship. In the past, my friends have met boyfriends of mine and had strong, negative reactions to them which was pretty detrimental. Once, the guy I was dating came to my house just to meet my friends and he ended up sitting in my living room the entire time, not interacting with me or my friends at all and he fell asleep on the couch. Yeah....didn't bode well for him after that.

This is usually the point where that little voice comes in to play.

Fifth (and usually final) Date

This date usually varies for me, because I'll admit I'm usually checked out at this point. I typically let the guy pick the date and everything to do with it. I usually just go with the flow because I'm really all in my head, worrying and overthinking things. Usually they are a bit extended--like full day dates. An activity of some sort that requires you to be out of the house and on the road at an early hour.

Now if you get to this Fifth Date, one of two things is usually happening for me.

First, there is a constant inner monologue being orchestrated in my head, deciding whether or not I'll be able to stand you after this date. I think to myself, "Is this guy so annoying that thinking about another date causes me physical pain (* and I'm not exagerrating this. One guy was so annoying that I ended each date with a severe migraine*)? Is there enough chemistry between the two of us? Do I feel anything for him? Is this date over yet?"

Or secondly, am I thinking, "Am I what he wants? Is he feeling the same way I do? Does he like me as much as I like him? Is he the next "big thing" in my life?"

It's a really tricky situation for me and it's a pretty intense feeling in my head. Sometimes it feels like my head will literally explode from all the analysis. But thankfully, by the end of the date (no matter now long or short) I have my answer. Literally, the little voice in my head has never let me down or kept me hanging. It says to me, "Yes....keep it going" or "No. He is not worth giving your single shoes up for." At that point, I am checked out completely and I get semi-cold to him. I admit it's pretty mean, especially if I'm stuck in a car with him for a long time. Like once I checked out at some point during a Phillies game date (which BTW, don't ever do a sporting event with a guy you are questioning because it is WAY too long of a date. Trust me on this) and the rest of the game and the ride home was pretty excruciating. He actually wanted to go out afterwards too, and I had to fake a migraine to get out of it--YES I know, it's cruel but I can't help it.

And being cold and making it semi-obvious kind of helps in the aftermath. If they think something is wrong when they drop you off, they won't be blindsided when you stop calling or texting. It's still out of the blue in a sense so dropping a guy after 5 dates (which usually comes out to dating a guy for a little over a month) is naturally going to get a certain reaction on the other person's part. For the first few days, you will get a plethora of texts but eventually they get the hint and it drops off. The worst possible reaction is if you have to basically spell it out to a guy and they end up calling you, which has happened to me before. Once, a guy who had made it to the 5th date but I didn't have much chemistry with called me and wanted a further explanation as to why it "just wasn't going to work." It was the most awkward 15 minutes of my entire life, and rightly so. I deserved it and he deserved a further explanation too.

My "cube mate" thinks my rule is pretty hilarious. Every time a new guy takes me out he asks, "Is he gonna make the cut? What date are you on?" And I guess it is a bit funny that I am that direct and organized with my dating life--but if you know me, it isn't very surprising. I don't have patience for anything in life, so cutting off a situation that is going nowhere is just easier for me.

And for me it's a proven method. The 5 Date Rule has never steered me wrong and has a great success rate!

All this to say, I just started seeing someone new and he just got through the 5th Date and with flying colors. Only time will tell....but I have a good feeling about this one!

xoxo