On top of this, I also use this blog as an outlet to vent my frustrations and, ironically, to relieve stress. I write about what is going on in my life that week, quirky little stories or original pieces of fiction. As I am currently a single gal about town, a lot of my posts seem to revolve around my dating life. Which I won't lie is pretty active. That being said, I do not intentionally use this blog to bash men or are feminist in nature. But, I am an incredible cynic when it comes to dating and a lot of my posts do turn into that. I do apologize if I offend anyone of the opposite sex or the guys I happen to blog about--actually I really don't apologize for the later. I do love you guys (obviously) but sometimes you all can be pretty damn frustrating--which I guarantee you will say about us too.
But.
This is one of those posts.
Sorry.
The dating world can really be compared to a very tricky game of chess.
Obviously the same is true about dating.
In the beginning, it's best to not talk about certain things about yourself that an outsider may find strange. You need to be the best possible you and try to impress your counterpart. You need to think about your appearance, what you say and do, and always keep your crazy at bay. This also includes keeping bodily functions and bad habits locked away. Personally, I don't want to hear the word FART or POOP within the first month of dating. MAJOR turnoff. Once when I was out with a guy and I said I wasn't feeling well--basically because he was driving like a jackass--he asked if I had to "Drop a Load". Yeah.....it ended pretty quickly after that.
With all this in mind, when is it appropriate to divulge secrets when you are in that critical "chess playing" dating phase? And I'm not referring to stupid little secrets--like that you don't change your socks everyday or you like to watch Saturday morning cartoons in your underwear. No, I'm referring to the big ones. The real duzzies. The ones that are life changing and could potentially ruin your or your dates lives forever. The major skeletons that you rarely talk about and are too embarrassed to admit out-loud.
When do you bring these skeletons to life? When do you clue the other person in?
Back in December, I started dating this guy who seemed great. He was a union sheet metal fitter, had his own apartment close by my house, a car, a huge dog--that if I wasn't careful, liked to mount me every time I walked in the room--and seemed to have his shit together. On paper, he was great. We had a lot of fun together and my friends and my family seemed to like him. Everything was starting to move to a sort of serious place. He was about to buy a house in New Jersey--where he grew up and where his mom still lived--and wanted me to come help pick out paint colors and new furniture. He wanted to make things official between us--meaning giving me the girlfriend title--and move to that next step. And part of me wanted to turn in my dating shoes and settle down with him.
But I held it at bay.
Not sure why, now that I look back on it. Call it women's intuition, I don't know, but something kept me from taking that plunge.
And Thank God it did!
Almost 3 months into us dating, he dropped quite a bomb on me. Actually it was 3 nuclear bombs that had aftershocks for days.
In front of my friends, who he had just met, he decided to tell me a little bit about his sorted past. A past that includes 2 DUIs, a suspended driver's license--that he got a duplicate of in Pennsylvania before he had to turn in and was still driving (one of the reasons he moved to Pennsylvania in the first place)--and a warrant out for his arrest in Pennsauken, NJ for failure to appear in court and the mandatory alcohol classes. He also owes the township $3000 in fines from those charges, and they need to be paid in full before he would get his license back. He hasn't paid a dime of it.
Do I need to say BOOM!
My jaw literally dropped. I didn't know what to say so I think I did one of those nervous laughs to try and lighten the mood. But it really only made it worse because he started laughing and joking about it. My friends looked at me like I was nuts and I can only imagine what was going thru their minds--and if I was in their shoes I'd be thinking "RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN."
He went on about it for a few minutes, giving the details about each arrest--the first when he was 17 when he crashed into his 4th grade teachers lawn and hit her tree, the second a year ago when he pulled himself over at 3 am when he saw a cop up a head, which only alerted the cop. He was almost bragging about it to an extent; kind of like a badge of honor for him. It was bizarre. Literally laughing about it the entire time and not showing any guilt--he actually made fun of the cop for the second DUI. The topic quickly changed when no one asked for any further details, thank god, but later I cornered him and talked a little more in depth about it. He actually told me the cops in Pennsauken were actively looking for him in the area, and had stopped at his mom's house that week looking for him. He also told me that the house he was "buying" was actually going to be in his mom's name because he "really screwed up his credit"--he had 2 maxed out credit cards to TD bank that he hasn't paid a dime on and has no intention on doing so--and so he can legally live and drive in Pennsauken without the cops looking for him. Again, he laughed the entire thing off and said it wasn't a big deal at all. "It happens to everyone. It's hilarious actually." He tried pulling me into an awkward hug and I stopped him.
"You drove up here (*we were up the poconos with my friends from college*) with me in the car with a suspended license? What would happen if we got pulled over?" I asked.
Again, he laughed and said, "I'd go to jail for like 6 months or something."
I think I saw this flash before my eyes.
I didn't want to push the topic more that night, but it was definitely something I could not forget. And naturally my friends asked me about it later, which was even worse. I didn't know what to say to them or to even think for myself. I was literally dumbfounded and didn't know what to do with this information. I let the topic drop for the night but it was gnawing at my insides for days. And it only got worse when I was home thinking about it on my own
Like I'm not a complete hard ass and think people can't change and that it isn't a common occurence to do stupid things when you are young. And I'm not expecting to find someone at 26 who has a clean slate. I'm not that jaded. And it's unrealistic. Everyone has a past--that's why it's called a past. Actually I think if someone didn't have a past it'd be weird. Like they hadn't actually lived or they were too perfect to make mistakes.
But.
The fact that part of his past happened only a year ago is a little alarming. And that it wasn't a first offense. His attitude is what really threw me. He was bragging about it to my friends' husbands--who I might add do not have records of any kind and are pretty straight laced. He wasn't humble or seemed embarrassed about it at all. If he showed an ounce of shame about it, I would be more understanding. But he also told me for the first time in front of my friends and with people who he was just meeting for the first time. That shows no tact, growth or accountability for what he did. It was nothing to him. Literally like telling someone what he had for breakfast that morning; "Oh you know...I had scramble eggs, bacon, 2 DUIs and a warrant, and white toast. No biggy."
So again, I ask you, when it is appropriate to let those skeletons out? And is it appropriate to do it in a group setting?
To me the answer is simple: Divulge that shit early on and in private.
For me, we were about 3 months in to dating and it never came up. Now I'm seeing little things I should've picked up on (like the fact that we drove to Jersey twice and he asked if I would mind driving, or that all his family and friends were still living in Jersey and he was in PA) and questioned, but I never would've thought it was something like this. Obviously he was attempting to hide it from me, which is also puzzling because of his attitude when it finally came out--like the way he finally told me. But it's really something he should've been upfront and I don't know.....embarrassed about!
When you have a secret like that and you just start dating someone, it's something that needs to be discussed semi-early and one on one. If you wait, you look like a liar and that you aren't being a true person 100% of the time. And if you decide to tell that person in front of other people, you might as well pack your bags and ship on out. Because it is probably the most disrespectful thing you can do!
On the other hand, maybe it is better to wait until you have garnered the others trust and worked up some sort of a relationship. Like coming out with that information brings out the wrath of biased opinions and judgement, which can push the person away anyway. If you are truly embarassed about it, it is a good idea to wait and tell the other person at the right time. Cushion the impact to an extent.
Really hard call, I'll admit. But for me, it was kind of a no brainer. That information was something I just couldn't get past. It wasn't the fact that he had this past, but it was his attitude towards it and he wasn't actively trying to better himself. It was a situation I didn't want to align myself with--and I couldn't really trust that he had grown and matured from it (it was the opposite really) and I didn't want to be drug down with him. But I am not a complete bitch and ended things with him just because of his past--there were also a number of other things that led me to end things, all had to do with maturity and the fact that he had ADD, stopped taking his medication because he "didn't feel like going to the doctors to get a new perscription" and was a complete maniac and child un-medicated.
Man do I know how to pick 'em!
Definitely learned a lot from my latest "chess match." Background checks and psychiatric evaluations are a must from now on. Also realized my patience for bulllshit is basically non-existent when it comes to dating.
Until next time
xoxo
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