Friend or Foe?

"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

If you've been following my blog over the last few weeks, you'll know that I am currently going through a break-up.

Yes, about 3 weeks ago I finally got some sense and ended things with my boyfriend of the last few months. The relationship itself was pretty tumultuous as it involved substance abuse on his part, and I guess I just wasn't worth putting "the bottle down" for. Yeah, I know we were only together for a few months, but Jesus God it felt like a lot longer. It was the worst roller coaster of emotion I've ever been on--*I also hate roller coasters and have never been on one, which is a bit ironic*. It was just drama-filled and exhausting, and I've never been involved with a guy who had so much baggage and crap. Every time I thought we were turning a corner and things were getting back to semi-normal, he'd go out on a 3-day bender and I wouldn't hear from him for almost a week.

Just had enough. Too young to be dealing with this. And he's not going to change. I think he is missing that gene.

So now that the dust has settled, and I'm trying to take back my life and start doing things for myself again, I'm trying to figure out and decide what to do in regards to him. Specifically in what capacity he can still be in my life. I'm not the type of person who just easily throws people away and acts like they were never important to me. I usually attempt to remain cordial with exes, and if at all possible, friends. We are still talking, and I know he has the foolish hope that we are going to get back together--let's recall the reason we broke-up; he is still drinking and this hasn't curtailed his outlook on it either, so that's why it's foolish. He's sent me a lot of sappy texts, about how much he misses me and how he just wants to hold me. Every time this happens, I'm very cold and bitchy in response and try and set him straight at every turn.

"Glad you're feeling this now, but you had me and blew it. Sorry," is my go-to response. It's harsh, I know, but I can't give him an inch anymore. When he goes to rehab, maybe I'll be a bit more understanding and loving. But right now? No, not gonna happen.

That's not to say I wouldn't like some sort of relationship with him. I do want him in my life, just not the capacity where his drinking affects me directly. In a way where I don't have to mop him up, or worry about what he's doing at all hours. I'd like to at least keep forms of communication open in case he needs me or anyone to talk to--I know he has no one in his life who he can actually talk to about his struggles and feelings. So really, I'd like to attempt a friendship of some form with him.

But that got me thinking....

Is it truly possible to be friends with an ex? Or am I just keeping him on the back-burner in case things don't work out elsewhere, or in the off chance he does turn a corner and changes?

Under normal circumstances, I do believe it is possible to be friends with an ex. Most relationships start off as friendships, and later evolve into something more. You need to have some sort of foundation in order to have a strong relationship. And in most cases, people will consider their spouses/significant other their best friend. You tell them everything, you are with them all the time, they're the first person you call when you are in trouble or in need--glorified best friend. And if things go sour, it's easy to just revert back to that friendship. You can still hangout, lean on each other in times of need, and talk without the messy complications that existed in your relationship.

But that's in an ideal, rosey world. And it rarely happens due to intimacy.

Once you are intimate with someone--in a physical manner--it is hard to get past what you once were. Sex complicates everything, and if you've done it once and established that connection through vulnerability, there will always be a slight tinge of longing for what once was. You'll always wonder, "What if," and having that person around all the time will only make it worse. No matter what you do, that past will always be there, and it can be extremely difficult for most people to separate the two. Especially if one of you attempts to move on with someone else. Jealousy will arise--either from the ex or the new guy--and lines must be drawn. I had a friend who's boyfriend would not allow her to hang-out or speak to her ex because they once dated--their relationship had successfully reverted back to a strong friendship. The new boyfriend always thought there was something going on behind his back--there wasn't--or that they'd get back together. He was a bit paranoid and actually started checking her text messages every night. Needless to say, the new relationship was short lived, and she and the ex are still great friends and NOT lovers. As long as there is trust and a mutual understanding by all involved, a friendship is possible. But most times this is not the case.

And I guess another factor in the whole "friend game" is how bad the break-up was. Like the magnitude of the pain you felt or what happened to cause the break-up. Personally, if you cheated on me or did something truly horrendous--like revealing 2 DUIs and a suspended license in front of my friends--then I want nothing to do with you. I want to pretend you don't exist and that the last few months didn't happen. If the break-up was messy and egos were bruised, most likely a friendship is not possible. But, if it was just a change of heart and you ended it in a mature fashion, a friendship is possible. I've seen it happen.

Or sometimes this happens...

Another part of this has absolutely nothing to do with friendship, but you disguise it as friendship just to make yourself feel better. That is keeping the means of communication open just in case things turn around with your ex. Kind of like a Plan B. These people want to keep their ex on short leash, just in case they can't find anything better. They want to be able to swoop back in, unannounced and reclaim what was once theirs. In my experience, I've seen this happen most when the ex has started pursuing someone else--now all of a sudden that person seems more attractive, once they may not be an option anymore. Kind of like the bratty, little kid who tells his parents he hates all his toys but then loves, can't live without them once they are about to be donated to another little kid.

"No! No! That's mine! You can't have that," they'll scream and pout.

On the other hand, pursuing someone else can sometimes send you running back to your ex. After you start dating someone new and it doesn't turn out the way you want it to--like the person ends up being a bit crazy--it can make you see that maybe your ex wasn't so bad. It's the whole "Grass isn't always Greener" philosophy. You might realize you were being too hard on your ex, and really he wasn't so bad. So sometimes people like to keep that communication open until they know their new person is a good fit. Totally manipulative and selfish, but it happens everyday.

I know a lot of girls who use this tactic. They'll basically end the relationship in technical terms, but keep things going on the emotional level--they'll still talk, hang out once in a whole, and lead the guy on until something new crosses their path. Then they'll pull the plug and cause a shit ton of drama. It's basically breaking up with someone twice because you're ripping the dumpees heart out again.

Now in an effort of full disclosure, I will pose the question to myself:

Do I really want a friendship with my ex? Or am I just dangling him until something better comes along? Is he just my security blanket?

Truthfully.....it may be a bit of both.

It's nice to have someone text you all day, telling you they miss you and want to be with you. Knowing someone is thinking about you all day is its own brand of high for me--something I really can't get enough of. One that I'd miss if it went away. At this point, there is no way we can get back together--which he is well aware of as long as he is drinking--but he still texts and calls me like his girlfriend. And I know he wants to be. I know it's all he wants right now, and although I know it's not a possibility I'm not turning him away either. A smart girl would've cut off all means of communication and dropped him cold turkey. But I just can't.

Maybe I am dangling him, and disguising it as friendship. Maybe the only way I can justify what I'm doing is to say I'm attempting a friendship, when in fact I don't really want one. That the minute a new guy comes into my life, our "friendship" will be over. And if that's the case, I am doing the most selfish thing possible right now and am not really thinking about him at all. It will make things 10 times worse in the end, if that does happen. I'm just prolonging the inevitable and causing more drama and heartache for myself and him.

I don't know.

I have a lot of thinking to do. And as much as I don't want to consider his feelings and just "do me", I can't drag him along with this. I do have to consider the overall outcome and how much I'll be hurting him--even though he definitely deserves it.

*Insert SIGH*