I think it's pretty normal to have a few fears in life. I'm not talking about fears that everyone has--like dying, or amounting to nothing in life. I'm referring to unique fears, fears that are particular to one person. Fears that have been cultivated and grown with time. Things that are truly crippling and can stop you from doing certain things.
For me, I have 3 major fears that have shaped my life in more than one way. And not always for the bad.
The first true fear I can remember--dating way back to when I was a wee Penny--is that of needles. You know, those sharp, pointy weapons of mass destruction they use to inject you with vaccinations at the doctors, when your mom swear there's no shot at this visit then you do have to get one and they swear it won't hurt a bit but in reality they are LYING and still jab you when you are least expecting it?
Yeah, those.
A fear of needles and shots is pretty normal for little kids. No one likes getting shots and being told you have to get one is not always a pleasant thought. But usually kids grow out of it, especially when they do in fact realize that the pain is momentary and by the time you exhale--from the large breath you take before they do it--it's already over. It's really all in your head.
But not for me. And this fear is something I still haven't outgrown. The last two times I've had to have blood drawn, I broke down in complete hysterics and basically had to be restrained. And I'm not kidding on the restrained part--2 rather large African American women had to basically sit on my lap and hold my arms down in order for the nurse to draw a few ounces of blood. I also accidentally/on purpose kicked one of them in the crotch while they were holding me down. Needless to say, I never went back to that doctor again.
On top of shots, I also was unable to get my ears pierced until I was 16 and I nearly fainted in the process. I also do not have any tattoos--which I actually really want one and have gone twice to get said tattoo but left both time without them. I also cringe every time I see a movie or watch TV shows that involve drug use and needles.
I guess my parents would consider my fear of needles a blessing in disguise, but it has definitely embarrassed me quite a bit. But I don't see it changing either--although I have gotten somewhat better as of late with giving blood.
My second fear of all fears is that of snakes.
Just looking at this picture gives me the willies!
Some would consider this a semi-normal fear. A lot of people abhor snakes and run from them at all cost. They're slimy, spooky, the epitomy of evil in a good Christian's view, and they can eat a person whole--have you ever seen the movie Anaconda? Yeah, that shit is no joke!
But my fear of snakes, is a bit more intense I believe. I literally get the shakes and feel faint. And run for the hills if I ever see one. Once, when I was 8 my dad took my sisters and I fishing off the Neshaminy Creek. I happened to catch a water moccasin--one of the most poisonous snakes in the world (in my opinion anyway). The minute I pulled it up with my rod and saw it, I dropped the rod, screamed bloody murder and ran for my dad's car. I wouldn't get out of it for the rest of the day. I also avoid the reptile house at the zoo, but that's a given.
So yeah, I'll never own a snake or date someone with a snake. Sorry fellas.
My last fear is probably the worst. It is my fear of heights.
I don't know what it is, but being up high and seeing the height scares the piss out of me. I start to hyperventilate and my legs start to shake beneath me. Then it gets hard to breath and I just break down in hysterics. It is my most crippling fear because it prevents me from doing quite a bit. I don't go on amusement park rides, I don't rock climb--which is something I funnily enough really want to try--climb high ladders, or go over suspension bridges. The worst one is probably the amusement park rides because it leads to pretty boring trips to Hershey Park or Dorney Park--I basically ride the iron bench the entire day.
But lately this fear has started to interfere with my job as well. We just moved into a new expansion in my building and everything is beautiful and new. One of the major plus's about this move is the storage they've equipped our department with. Which are huge shelves that rise about 10 feet high. In order for us to reach the top two shelves, they've also given us a set of rolling ladders. Kind of like the ones you see at libraries. Or the one below:
Well unfortunately part of my job description is that I have to organize everything for my department, which now involves me having to put all our samples on these shelves. So I have to climb to the top step of this ladder to get things on the top shelf. Obviosuly this is a major problem for me, and I've already had more than one nervous, tremor on the ladder and had to ask a coworker to help me down.
Yeah, it's that bad.
So now my whole department knows of my crippling fear which is a bit embarrassing. But it also puts me in a semi-vulnerable position because I work with a group of people who like to playfully jab at me. Which means I have to fear being thrown around on this ladder as a joke.
Those are my major fears. Feel free to comment on your fears so I don't feel so bad about mine. No seriously if you have a fear of squirrels or tin-foil, please comment below. We can be scaredy-cats together!
Mission Statement
"Go into yourself. Search for the reason that bids you write; find out whether it is spreading out its roots in the deepest places of your heart, acknowledge to yourself whether you would have to die if it were denied you to write."
Friday, November 29, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
10 Steps to a Shiney Penny
I think I've done something similar to this before around my birthday and New Years, but I decided to make a list of ways to better myself. I've been going through a lot of different emotions lately and have been pretty depressed as of late---I think everything from the summer and beyond is catching up with me and it's making me question a lot about my life. I think part of my problem is that I'm starting to believe I am an "unlovable" person. Don't ask me why and it may be part of the delusion I've been experiencing lately, but I feel like part of my problem is that I don't truly love myself completely.
SO! I decided to be proactive with change and instead of making a mental list for myself and forgetting half of it in a week, I'd write it down and hold myself accountable to it. I came up with 10 changes I'd like to see. Here goes:
*Sorry if this was melodramatic or if this post isn't too entertaining to most, but this is something I almost feel like I need to do at this point*
1. Become more understanding and less judgmental
*Major hangup. I tend to make snap judgements of people too quickly or listen to what others say before I make my own decision. As a mature woman, I shouldn't do that. It sells myself and others short and I could be missing out on something fantastic.
2. Stop Lying
*I lie about the stupidest things, just to get myself out of situations I don't want to be in. Like they aren't huge, life-changing lies but they are still untruths. It can be as simple as lying to my aunt (who I work with) about lunch plans, just because I don't want to spend an awkward hour with a woman I don't particularly like. I know everyone does it, but I do it WAY too often and with people I shouldn't be. I need to start being truthful.
3. Trust people
*This goes hand in hand with lying. Because I know I lie a decent amount, I assume everyone does the same. Due to this, I never trust what anyone says to me. If a friend bails on dinner plans because they "aren't feeling well" I call bullshit without a second thought. I think it's a defense mechanism because I've been let down so often, so I get pissed instead of bummed. I need to start trusting people if they deserve that trust.
4. Reach out to friends and family more
*I have a tendency to let things well up inside of me and let it simmer until it's ready to explode. I don't like asking for help or reaching out to friends or family for support in times of need. I don't know why, but I always feel like a nuisance and don't want to bother anyone. I'd rather deal with it on my own--which is never dealt with. Support is what friends and family are there for, and I need to take advantage of them a bit more.
5. Stop being so needy in relationships
*It's just not attractive and makes me look like a whiny little girl. I need to stand on my own two feet. I don't need constant attention or "I'm thinking about you" to get through my day. It's nice to have these things, but I shouldn't be seeking it at all hours of the day. I believe it's one of my major pitfalls and I drive people away.
6. Always be myself in a relationship
*I tend to lose myself a lot once I'm with someone. I get involved with their activities and interests and forget about what I love to do. I feel like I do that to try and prove to the other person that I am their perfect match, when in reality I'm not and I'm almost disappearing in the process. It's not good. And I always end up bored and pissed.
7. PATIENCE! PATIENCE! PATIENCE!
*My Achilles heel. I've never had it with any aspect of my life and it has screwed up a lot of things for me. I end up rushing through things or not depending on other people when I should. I need to start letting things flow at a normal pace. Take a breathe and realize eventually things will get done and not everyone works at my pace.
8. Stop lashing out or being a bitch
*Another one of my faults. For some reason, I lash out on the people who love me the most--particularly my family--when it's completely unwarranted. Like if my mom asks me what I'm doing tonight, I will freak out or be really short with her. Usually its due to stress or the fact that I feel like my mom is incredibly nosey and has to know everything, but I shouldn't react like that. It always leaves me feeling awful and I need to stop it before I ruin relationships.
9. Be a better friend and sister
*I want to work on all my relationships to an extent. I need to reach out and be a better sister and friend, especially because I want the same from my sisters and friends. Relationships are a two-way street; I can't expect them to come to me all the time if I don't go to them equally. I need to be there when they need me and be a better confidant.
10. Get out more and try new things
*When I'm feeling down and depressed, I will stay locked in my room and talk to no one. I shut out the world and just wallow in my self-pity. Doing that doesn't help in the least bit. It makes it worse! I need to go out again--start enjoying life a little more and actually living. I need to try new things and find new hobbies.
So there you have it! My ten steps to a new, shiny Penny! It's a lot to try and complete, but I don't think it's impossible. I'm also not setting a time limit on this, so I can work on it little by little. I just know I can't keep living the way I am, and I am serious about a major overhaul on my personality and day to day life.
Wish me luck!
SO! I decided to be proactive with change and instead of making a mental list for myself and forgetting half of it in a week, I'd write it down and hold myself accountable to it. I came up with 10 changes I'd like to see. Here goes:
*Sorry if this was melodramatic or if this post isn't too entertaining to most, but this is something I almost feel like I need to do at this point*
1. Become more understanding and less judgmental
*Major hangup. I tend to make snap judgements of people too quickly or listen to what others say before I make my own decision. As a mature woman, I shouldn't do that. It sells myself and others short and I could be missing out on something fantastic.
2. Stop Lying
*I lie about the stupidest things, just to get myself out of situations I don't want to be in. Like they aren't huge, life-changing lies but they are still untruths. It can be as simple as lying to my aunt (who I work with) about lunch plans, just because I don't want to spend an awkward hour with a woman I don't particularly like. I know everyone does it, but I do it WAY too often and with people I shouldn't be. I need to start being truthful.
3. Trust people
*This goes hand in hand with lying. Because I know I lie a decent amount, I assume everyone does the same. Due to this, I never trust what anyone says to me. If a friend bails on dinner plans because they "aren't feeling well" I call bullshit without a second thought. I think it's a defense mechanism because I've been let down so often, so I get pissed instead of bummed. I need to start trusting people if they deserve that trust.
4. Reach out to friends and family more
*I have a tendency to let things well up inside of me and let it simmer until it's ready to explode. I don't like asking for help or reaching out to friends or family for support in times of need. I don't know why, but I always feel like a nuisance and don't want to bother anyone. I'd rather deal with it on my own--which is never dealt with. Support is what friends and family are there for, and I need to take advantage of them a bit more.
5. Stop being so needy in relationships
*It's just not attractive and makes me look like a whiny little girl. I need to stand on my own two feet. I don't need constant attention or "I'm thinking about you" to get through my day. It's nice to have these things, but I shouldn't be seeking it at all hours of the day. I believe it's one of my major pitfalls and I drive people away.
6. Always be myself in a relationship
*I tend to lose myself a lot once I'm with someone. I get involved with their activities and interests and forget about what I love to do. I feel like I do that to try and prove to the other person that I am their perfect match, when in reality I'm not and I'm almost disappearing in the process. It's not good. And I always end up bored and pissed.
7. PATIENCE! PATIENCE! PATIENCE!
*My Achilles heel. I've never had it with any aspect of my life and it has screwed up a lot of things for me. I end up rushing through things or not depending on other people when I should. I need to start letting things flow at a normal pace. Take a breathe and realize eventually things will get done and not everyone works at my pace.
8. Stop lashing out or being a bitch
*Another one of my faults. For some reason, I lash out on the people who love me the most--particularly my family--when it's completely unwarranted. Like if my mom asks me what I'm doing tonight, I will freak out or be really short with her. Usually its due to stress or the fact that I feel like my mom is incredibly nosey and has to know everything, but I shouldn't react like that. It always leaves me feeling awful and I need to stop it before I ruin relationships.
9. Be a better friend and sister
*I want to work on all my relationships to an extent. I need to reach out and be a better sister and friend, especially because I want the same from my sisters and friends. Relationships are a two-way street; I can't expect them to come to me all the time if I don't go to them equally. I need to be there when they need me and be a better confidant.
10. Get out more and try new things
*When I'm feeling down and depressed, I will stay locked in my room and talk to no one. I shut out the world and just wallow in my self-pity. Doing that doesn't help in the least bit. It makes it worse! I need to go out again--start enjoying life a little more and actually living. I need to try new things and find new hobbies.
So there you have it! My ten steps to a new, shiny Penny! It's a lot to try and complete, but I don't think it's impossible. I'm also not setting a time limit on this, so I can work on it little by little. I just know I can't keep living the way I am, and I am serious about a major overhaul on my personality and day to day life.
Wish me luck!
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