SO! I decided to be proactive with change and instead of making a mental list for myself and forgetting half of it in a week, I'd write it down and hold myself accountable to it. I came up with 10 changes I'd like to see. Here goes:
*Sorry if this was melodramatic or if this post isn't too entertaining to most, but this is something I almost feel like I need to do at this point*
1. Become more understanding and less judgmental
*Major hangup. I tend to make snap judgements of people too quickly or listen to what others say before I make my own decision. As a mature woman, I shouldn't do that. It sells myself and others short and I could be missing out on something fantastic.
2. Stop Lying
*I lie about the stupidest things, just to get myself out of situations I don't want to be in. Like they aren't huge, life-changing lies but they are still untruths. It can be as simple as lying to my aunt (who I work with) about lunch plans, just because I don't want to spend an awkward hour with a woman I don't particularly like. I know everyone does it, but I do it WAY too often and with people I shouldn't be. I need to start being truthful.
3. Trust people
*This goes hand in hand with lying. Because I know I lie a decent amount, I assume everyone does the same. Due to this, I never trust what anyone says to me. If a friend bails on dinner plans because they "aren't feeling well" I call bullshit without a second thought. I think it's a defense mechanism because I've been let down so often, so I get pissed instead of bummed. I need to start trusting people if they deserve that trust.
4. Reach out to friends and family more
*I have a tendency to let things well up inside of me and let it simmer until it's ready to explode. I don't like asking for help or reaching out to friends or family for support in times of need. I don't know why, but I always feel like a nuisance and don't want to bother anyone. I'd rather deal with it on my own--which is never dealt with. Support is what friends and family are there for, and I need to take advantage of them a bit more.
5. Stop being so needy in relationships
*It's just not attractive and makes me look like a whiny little girl. I need to stand on my own two feet. I don't need constant attention or "I'm thinking about you" to get through my day. It's nice to have these things, but I shouldn't be seeking it at all hours of the day. I believe it's one of my major pitfalls and I drive people away.
6. Always be myself in a relationship
*I tend to lose myself a lot once I'm with someone. I get involved with their activities and interests and forget about what I love to do. I feel like I do that to try and prove to the other person that I am their perfect match, when in reality I'm not and I'm almost disappearing in the process. It's not good. And I always end up bored and pissed.
7. PATIENCE! PATIENCE! PATIENCE!
*My Achilles heel. I've never had it with any aspect of my life and it has screwed up a lot of things for me. I end up rushing through things or not depending on other people when I should. I need to start letting things flow at a normal pace. Take a breathe and realize eventually things will get done and not everyone works at my pace.
8. Stop lashing out or being a bitch
*Another one of my faults. For some reason, I lash out on the people who love me the most--particularly my family--when it's completely unwarranted. Like if my mom asks me what I'm doing tonight, I will freak out or be really short with her. Usually its due to stress or the fact that I feel like my mom is incredibly nosey and has to know everything, but I shouldn't react like that. It always leaves me feeling awful and I need to stop it before I ruin relationships.
9. Be a better friend and sister
*I want to work on all my relationships to an extent. I need to reach out and be a better sister and friend, especially because I want the same from my sisters and friends. Relationships are a two-way street; I can't expect them to come to me all the time if I don't go to them equally. I need to be there when they need me and be a better confidant.
10. Get out more and try new things
*When I'm feeling down and depressed, I will stay locked in my room and talk to no one. I shut out the world and just wallow in my self-pity. Doing that doesn't help in the least bit. It makes it worse! I need to go out again--start enjoying life a little more and actually living. I need to try new things and find new hobbies.
So there you have it! My ten steps to a new, shiny Penny! It's a lot to try and complete, but I don't think it's impossible. I'm also not setting a time limit on this, so I can work on it little by little. I just know I can't keep living the way I am, and I am serious about a major overhaul on my personality and day to day life.
Wish me luck!
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