Hosed down with Pepto-Bismol

After a long and enjoyable weekend, I found myself pretty tired last night--which is a typical occurrence on Sundays. On nights like last, I like to snuggle up in bed pretty early and watch TV until I fall asleep. It is probably the best part of my week--a time when I cam wind down, relax and start to dread the coming work week. The problem is that until my Sunday shows start--Once Upon a Time and Boardwalk Empire-- there really isn't much on. So I'm kind of forced to channel surf for a few hours, which if you have OnDemand you know it's pretty fruitless. As my Dad likes to say, "600 channels and not a damn thing on." And if you have an attention span like me, you know there is even less on. I usually give channels a 5 second window to catch my attention and then immediately flip to the next station. If you can't grab me in those 5 seconds, why waste my time? There's 599 channels that could have something better.

So this was the dilemma I found myself in last night. Working my way up into the higher digits, I stopped on Lifetime to see if there were any sleazy "Movie of the Week" movies on. Seriously, if you're stuck in on a Friday night, flip Lifetime on--it won't disappoint. Unfortunately, Lifetime was in the middle of a commercial break, which I was immediately poised to flip to the next channel. Until I saw this.

Steel Magnolias Remake

Please click on the link above for the horror.

Here are some stills.

If you are a woman  above the age of 20 and do not recognize the aforementioned movie title, trailer, and or pictures provided then you are forthwith stripped of that title. You do not deserve to bare children--the crowning joy of womanhood.

If you are in fact a woman of the appropriate age and do in fact recognize everything above, I think I have a right to speak for our gender in saying...

GOOD GOD WHY!
WHY!
WHY WHY!
WHY WHY WHY!



Because that is exactly what I yelled when I saw the trailer. My jaw dropped and I yelled so loud that one of my sisters ran into the room to make sure I was okay.

Physically, yes I was fine. Emotionally, hell no. My eyes has just been raped by the horror of my television screen.

For those of you who are not in the know, the Lifetime Movie Network has green lit, produced and slated airtime for a remake of 1989 hit, Steel Magnolias. The ultimate chick flick. The Bible of female entertainment. The Godfather to men. One of the best movies to come out of the 1980s--in my expert opinion. One of the few movies that no matter how many times I've seen it, I'm glued to my television set if it's being aired.

For those of you who are not in the know--seriously, I feel bad for you--I'll give a quick little synopsis. Steel Magnolias is the story of 6 women who live in Louisiana, where the center of their lives revolves around their weekly meetings at Truvy's hair salon. Surrounded by hot rollers, hair dryers and nail polish, the women--who span ages of early 20's to late 50's--tell life how it is. At the center of the story is the evolving relationship between mother and daughter--Shelby and M'Lynne Eatenton (played by Julia Roberts and Sally Fields)--who are now forced to re-evaluate their relationship as Shelby is to be married. I won't give too much away, but the ending is pretty gut wrenching and a major tear-jerker.

One of the pivotal scenes towards the end of the movie is probably one of the most powerful I have ever seen. I kid you not, I bawl my eyes out each and every time I see it.

And the cast is phenomenal. Please look below for details

 


Julia Roberts. Sally Fields. Shirley MacLaine. Daryl Hannah. Dolly Parton. Olympia Dukakis. Each a heavy weight on her own, but a tour de force when cast together. Each gave a stellar performance, one that can not easily be repeated.

Now I will repeat myself.

Lifetime decided it was a brilliant idea to remake this already ingenious movie.

Need I yell again at the injustice of this being done?Again, what the hell were they thinking. Now let me iterate that this has absolutely nothing to do with race--as the new film is an all African American cast. I'd be acting the same exact way if they have assembled an all white cast or inter-mixed the roles. I'll be the first to say that they have assembled a pretty amazing cast for the remake, and that in itself makes me curious. But I just don't understand why they'd touch it. Don't they know the curse of the remake? Think of Godzilla or King Kong. Awful. Awful. Remakes almost always fail dismally and tend to tarnish the memory of the original.

AND obviously the script will need to be reworked to be reset in a modern Louisiana (as I am only assuming it is), which I think is a complete travesty. Here are a few of my favorite lines from the original;

 Shelby: Truvy, you know what you need in here? You need a radio, takes the pressure off of everyone feeling they have to talk so much.
Truvy: I had one once, but I threw it up against the wall when I couldn't figure out where the batteries went. I know now I was suffering from pre-menstrual syndrome.

Clairee Belcher: [quoting her gay nephew] All gay men have track lightin'. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve.

Ouiser Boudreaux: The only reason people are nice to me is because I have more money than God. 

Annelle: We are in the house of the Lord!
Clairee Belcher: Oh like she cares. Ousier's never done a religious thing in her life.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Now that is not true. When I was in school, a bunch of my friends and I would dress up as nuns and go bar-hoppin'.

 M'Lynn: I find it amusing. Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something. I just sat there. I just held Shelby's hand. There was no noise, no tremble, just peace. Oh god. I realize as a woman how lucky I am. I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life.

Each one of these is a little gem of genius on its own, but all together its borderline perfect. 

So, I say again 

 

WHY!!!!!!! 

It makes absolutely no sense to me. Like....why!

I advise you all if you haven;t seen the original go rent it. Buy a box of kleenex and invite your mom over too! I myself may just do that this weekend. 

The remake premieres on October 7th on Lifetime and I'm not sure if I'll watch. Out of principal, I would like to boycott it and tell everyone that they should do the same. I'd rather people enjoy the original and not be tainted by a remake.

But there's another part of me that's kind of curious and may just have to take a peek,

.......at least for 5 seconds.