Love Letter

I dreamed about you last night.

As I do most nights.

You were alive. And everything was fine. It was all just a mean-spirited joke. The accident, the obituary, the posts, the pictures--all of it wasn't true. Someone faked all of it. You were safe and in hiding--in Europe or something--but finally coming out into the light. I was so angry and excited all at the same time. Felt like such a fool that I believed it all, so angry that I wanted to scream. Why would you hurt us all? Your poor mother and family! I cried for nights for your loss and now I know it was for nothing! Why! But that faded to the building joy in my heart. All wrong-doing easily forgotten. It really wasn't that bad, now that I think of it.You weren't gone! You were still warm and breathing! You were coming home! Maybe not to me, but you were still you. Maybe not to my arms, but in the same city. I didn't need you to be with me, only alive and safe. I went to the airport, I had to see for myself. I had to see you walking. I stood in the terminal trembling, almost crying. I could see your shadow, almost hear your voice.

Then I woke up.

And my heart broke all over again.

Dreams never last long enough. I tried shutting my eyes, to recall the fleeting dream but it had retreated to the back of my memory. Dreams can never be beckoned.

Sometimes, I really wish I could get you out of my head. That I could move on and stop thinking about you. Dreaming about you. And just move on. To find someone I click with from the start, like we did those many years ago. To have insane chemistry and affection for. To not actively look for things to nit-pick. To feel complete with someone else. To want someone as much as I wanted you. And I don't want them because they are not you. Not even close to you.

Sometimes I think you were my soulmate and the only love I was meant to have was what I felt for you for those few short months. How different things could have been if I hadn't gone back to school. If I had stayed home and gave us the time we needed. How our lives could've ended up. How you could've been by my side now, instead of gone forever.

I waste so much time thinking about the what-ifs. I can't stand it.

But still I pray at night to you. To send me a sign of what I should do. A sign to show me that everything happened the way it was meant to. Show me that you are okay and at peace. That my love wasn't one-sided. That from the beyond, you are sending someone else to me. Someone like you. Someone you'd want me to spend my nights with.

It's weird. I can still see your face. Like it was yesterday. Everything about you is so fresh in my mind. And the way I felt with you, in your arms.

I miss you.

I'll never stop missing you.

Stay with me.

Forever.