Timing for Butterflies

As most dating women are aware, there are two very big dilemmas we are faced with in those first few dates. The source of which takes hours and even days of thorough thought and pre-planning. No, I am not referring to wardrobe or hairstyles for the big night--although both a pretty key and are painstakingly planned, changed then decided on with our girlfriends or while looking in a mirror-- or even deciding the actual location or event--which let me add should totally be the man's domain; we have enough stress as it is with wardrobe, guys need to take the reigns on that one.

No, I am referring to those two things that are all dependent on timing and "the right feel" for the situation. If timing is off, or if you pull the cord too early, future dates could be canceled before they are even planned.


I am referring to 

1. Paying the Bill

2. First Kiss

 And lately I've been trying to figure out both for myself. 

In my merry-go-round of a dating life--where I'm always bringing new guests on and kicking old ones off--I recently started dating a new guy. We've gone on a few dates at this point, and I'm really enjoying myself and his company. But now I'm faced with the above dilemma; Should I offer to pay/ help pay for the dinner or activity bill? And when is it too early for that essential first kiss?

Let me go into each a bit.

My new guy is a union construction worker, who like most union members are subject to a lot of lay offs and are frequently unemployed. At the present time (and until last week) he was in the midst of one of those lay-offs, which is awful at any time of year but hits a little harder during the holidays. So we've gone out a few times--usually some sort of activity and then dinner--which I know can be pricey. Every time we have gone out, I have tried to be a bit conservative in choices, but as time went on I really started feeling guilty. Like, what if he can't pay his rent this month because he's taken me out? Trust me I know how it is--I went through my own 3-month stint of unemployment where I depended on those UCBenefits from the government. I don't know how I would've coped if I just started dating someone while I was in dyer money straights. It's very stressful.

But in normal circumstances, I wouldn't. Maybe I'm old fashioned and this notion may be archaic --and feminists may be rolling in their graves-- but I think men should solely pay for those first few dates. It goes back to old courting rituals naturally, but the man should take care of his woman. And honestly, if I'm going through the effort of getting all dolled up--which ladies, let's be honest, it is an effort to look pretty at all times, especially on first dates when we over-scrutinize everything-- I kind of expect the rest to be in the guys hands. If I'm taking all that time to impress you, when you're basically pulling the cleanest shirt out of your closet and slapping on some cologne, then you should treat me like a queen for the night. And in most instances, the guys want to pay and take of everything. It shows their prowess or some crap like that.

But on the other hand, some like the girl to at least offer. One of my girl friends will always at least reach for the check once it's placed on the table. Or she'll take her wallet out and have it in eye view of her date. I like to call it the "wallet jingle". She's not doing it for show, trust me she's an accountant and usually makes twice the money her dates do, but she genuinely wants to pay. Again, guys like girl to at least offer. But I think if a guy actually takes a girl up on those offer--especially on the first few dates--the girl should high-tail it out of there and never answer his calls. That is what I refer to as a cheap-bastard. And beyond rude.

My situation is a bit different because I know he's strapped for cash. The last two dates we went on, I really struggled with whether or not to grab the check. To not even let him touch it. But I also don't want to insult him. I know a lot of pride is associated with paying for dates and "taking care of your woman." To not be able to, is a kick to the balls and I think most good guys (and I say GOOD meaning the keepers) want to show their date that they are boyfriend material.

So I guess my only real solution is to wait and see, then just offer at some point. Like if we go out multiple times in one week--which this coming week we are--I'm going to try help pay. Maybe not for meals, because I know that's usually the bigger deal, but for anything else we do. Really, it's only fair. With one of my exes that's how we did it--if I went to his house, he paid for the date and if he came to my house I paid for the date. Kind of evened itself out with gas and tolls we both had to pay to get to eachother, especially if its a long distance thing.

Now for kissing.

It's usually an unspoken rule that you don't kiss on a first date. That girls who kiss on the first date don't get a third date. And you shouldn't kiss anyone until there is an emotional connection of some sort, and that there's no way you can have that within one date--or as my mom says "Don't kiss a guy til you know his last name." I tend to agree with this notion. The best first kisses are always the anticipated ones. The ones where you are thinking about it the whole time you are with them. When you stare at their lips and wander what it would be like to brush against them. You need to wait for those butterflies to build to a point where you feel like you will physically burst if you can't kiss him.

But on the other hand, waiting too long can be detrimental. For me, a lot rides on that first kiss. If you are a sloppy kisser, it's just not gonna work. No matter what kind of chemistry we may have built, it just won't matter if the kiss isn't there. It's a complete turn off and something that you really can't do-over. The absolute worst first kiss I ever had happened on a first date where we were jelling pretty well. Then he kissed me (or came at me unexpectedly with his lips) and it was awful. He literally licked my lips and thought it was sexy. All I wanted to do was go home and wash my face. I never talked to him again after that. So luckily I didn't waste a lot of time on him, I knew right after that kiss that it wasn't going to work.

So where is the happy medium? Because at this point with my new someone, we haven't kissed and I'm not about to make the first move--another one of my little rules. There have been some really close moments--especially last Friday when we went ice-skating--but I didn't want to push it and I know he didn't want to make that move unless he was sure I wanted him to. Trust me, I wanted him to.

Again, I guess I'll just have to wait and see. Let him make the first move and be patient. The kiss will happen when its meant to happen. And I'll just let the butterflies build til then.

Dating is definitely a tricky world. Lots of things to decipher and think about before hand. It's not just throwing on a pair of pumps and showing up to a restaurant for dinner. A lot goes into it, and obviously timing is everything. I guess I'm still trying to decipher parts of it, but I will say.....I'm enjoying the butterflies.