The word I'm thinking of is Hope.
It's a pretty ordinary word. Obviously really short and only one syllable. But it could mean a lot to different people. I decided to Google the definition and this is what I found:
- The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best
- To look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence
- To believe, desire or trust
And it's origins are before 900; (noun) Middle English.
And for fun I also Googled HOPE in images and found these:
These are pretty vague, I know and there were a lot of pictures--mostly just the word lit up in bright colors. It's kind of hard to pinpoint something like hope because it's more of a state-of-mind that anything else. It's not really tangible and can manifest in different way. It's believing with all your being in something. That against all odds, your dreams can come true. It's almost like a personal prayer--not necessarily to a god, but just to the universe. It's being optimistic when everything and everyone is fighting against you. It's something that entire nations and cultures have counted on--what would the Civil Rights Movement be without it, or people hiding from Nazi oppression during WWII? These people had to believe things couldn't get worse, that the universe had a greater plan for their suffering and one day, no matter how long it would take, that they would be released. It is a common denominator with all suffering people the world over: they pray and hope things will change.
But hope is a fickle thing.
Because it isn't tangible, there are no guarantees. There is no Hope Bank that grants wishes to a lucky few. Being too optimistic or too generous guarantees nothing. Hope can lead to major disappointment and continued heartbreak. It can let you down over and over again, beat you to the core. Many give up on Hope and just turn to reality--"This is reality. I need to live with what has been dealt me." It's a huge chance.
But still Hope endures.
Hope is something I am clinging to.
The last few days have been rough on me emotionally. I have something going on in my personal life that has broken me down to the core. I spent almost 3 days crying uncontrollably--to the point that my eyes starting to swell and hurt--and I didn't think I could carry on. I've felt the lowest I could possibly feel and what made it worse is that someone I loved made me feel like that. It still hurts.
But last night I got some needed relief in the form of an e-mail and now my despair has been replaced with overflowing Hope. It's my crutch right now--the only thing that made me get up this morning and come to work. To live normally and actually eat something.
But I'm scared. Scared that my Hope is foolish and I'll be thrown right back into my darkness in just a few days. It almost makes me want to abandon Hope; that maybe I'm convincing myself to be optimistic and the reality is I just stalled the pain. That if it all comes crashing in on me again, it will be ten times worse. I don't think I can survive it again.
I have to Hope.
I have to.
I have to.
Please give me strength Hope. Please.
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