On The Eve of My Birth: Part Tres

I've done this for the past 2 years--written a blog entry right before my impending birthday. Usually it's a post about what I've learned from the last year and what I hope to gain in the following. It's always been fun for me to look back at where I was the year before and the hopes I had for myself.

I'll admit, last year came in on a high. My book had just been released, I was in a relationship with a guy who I was crazy about, working for a company I really liked, and I was excited for the birth of my first niece/nephew.

2013 seemed to be my year.

And for the most part it was. I got accolades on my first novel--voted to Kirkus Reviews Best of 2013 List--my niece Maggie was born and she brought light and love to all our lives. I started my next novel and am really excited about it. I also had my heart broken by the same guy I was crazy about. Not once but multiple times--every 2 weeks to be exact when he'd go on a weekend bender and "forget about me." But I took a chance on new love right at the end of the year, and for the first time I thought "this is my person."

But 2014, thus far, sucks ass.

• I've gotten very complacent with my job and don't feel the same way about it anymore.
• My "new love" turned out to be a sham. Of which I am still reeling--I don't think you realize how much you miss someone when they stop calling, even if they've hurt you beyond measure.
• My aunt has been given a fatal diagnosis and she has 4 months to live.
• I've given in to my mother's request and will be going back on medication for anxiety--a huge failure in my book.

I might be fixating on the awful things at the moment, but I'm truly consumed by it. Yes, some good things have happened this year--1 of which is I will be working with Larry Kane's (the Philadelphia Beatles guru) editor for my next book, which is HUGE for me and my sister is pregnant with her second child--but right now I can't see beyond the hurt in my heart to be excited for it.

I usually look forward to my birthday and this year I'm just not. I almost don't want the reminder of another year going by--another wasted year of more heartbreak and tragedy. Honestly, I'd rather sleep through the whole day and pretend it never happened.

So dreams for the next year?

I don't have any at the moment. All I want is to get through this next year with my wits about me and not completely crumble again. Which let's be honest, I know will happen and that reality scares me. I just wish things could be easier and my life would fall into place, instead of this constant upheaval every few months. Which YES, I get that's part of life and everyone goes through it. I guess I feel like I've had my fill for awhile.

Hopefully I'll look back at this post next year with a smile--because things were so bad but got better.

I guess I can hope....