I've been contemplating for a few days whether or not to blog about what's been going on the last week or so. I use this blog a lot to vent about things going on and my life in general, and usually it's not in the greatest of taste and it's blunt. Not to say that I don't like that about myself because I do--and I don't really intend on changing that about my personality. But I'm in a numb state of devastation and bewilderment, and my feelings are really very raw at the moment.
That being said, I feel like I need some clarity and introspective re-evaluating of my life at the moment. That recent events have made me question a lot about myself and decisions I make.
The first would be with my personal life and relationship status.
It always comes back to this, doesn't it?
I was (and writing WAS still kind of stings) dating someone for about 4 months. I was happy. Unbelievably, completely, stupidly happy with him. It was sort of the first mature relationship I've been in ever. An adult relationship where I wasn't the sole stable one--he had his own house, a great career, ambitions and seemed to be sane. Everything sort of happened fast--within a month I had met his family, was being invited to family events, and spending a lot of time together. It also got to the point that he asked me if things got serious, would I consider moving to NYC with him--he works in NYC, but put his house up for sale in the hopes of moving there in the very near future. He also would be starting grad school in May, which would require him to be in NYC more--because he was going to NYU. And because I was so deliriously happy, I seriously started to consider it. Like to the point that I was imagining myself there and even went apartment-hunting with him. I really got involved with many aspects of his life, to the point that I feel like I was living his life and not my own anymore. Everything kind of became about him and his needs and schedule--which at the time I was okay with. I was happy just to be with him.
But I won't lie, I started to get kind of resentful of it. I started to realize he didn't seem too interested in things I had going on, and that conversations were always being switched back to him. Like we were out to dinner 3 weeks ago and I started a conversation about something, and it instantly went back to him and the amount of money he was paying out that month. I was annoyed and I know he saw it--I started looking out the window a lot, suddenly got very quiet and mentally decided to get really drunk that night just to get thru it.
Then within a week, everything crashed down and suddenly he "didn't have time" for me anymore. Granted, his schedule was getting crazy (as far as I know) but it doesn't take much to answer a phone call or shoot someone a text. It all led up him canceling plans on me twice in one week, not seeing me at all that weekend and then breaking up with me last Monday.
I was devastated. Beyond. And just confused--how can you go from wanting me like crazy to "my life's changed, I've changed and I don't want a long term commitment anymore." I'm not going to rehash the nitty gritty of it because I don't feel like reliving it again. Basically, he used me. He needed someone to fill a role for this (as he called it) "limbo period" between him living in PA and moving to NYC. That he thought he wanted a relationship, convinced himself and me as much, but realized he didn't anymore--at my expense. So I filled his selfish needs and now he was done with me--even though he will probably remain in PA for quite sometime as his house hasn't sold yet and probably won't for awhile (a reality I don't think has hit him yet.)
Naturally, I was stupid and begged and pleaded to make it work. I sent him this massive e-mail describing our relationship and what I loved about him. Really making a complete fool of myself. He led me to believe he wanted to make things work, then ripped the rug from under me again. I've never felt so....violated and wronged in my life. And TRUST ME I've been through bad break-ups. But he really did me dirty and I'm still feeling the affects of it.
The worse part about is that I still care about him and wish things could be different. I threw some pretty nasty descriptions at him--including "Complete heartless dick" "Selfish Prick" "Cold" "inhuman" "Douchebag"--which I kind of regret now because I stooped to his level. I should have just cut off contact and I wish I had. But I was upset and....desperate. And I wanted him to feel and ounce of the pain he caused me.
I'm hurt. Very hurt. My self esteem is shattered. And I still think about him and want to cry. The worst part about it is that I miss him. More than anything, I miss him and what we used to have. Last night I packed up his stuff for him to come get--including the key to his house--and I waited for him to come. I guess to catch one last glimpse. I don't know why, I just felt like I needed to see him. Naturally he never showed. So I'll have to go through this song and dance all over again.
I am still incredibly hurt but I'm trying to move on--which is hard when everything I see reminds me of him and I just want to call him and tell him. Being angry helps to an extent but I need to start looking at this as a lesson learned. If I can't be a priority for someone, why should I waste my time? I should listen to the little voice in my head more often, especially if it's shooting off red flags, which was happening in the beginning--like the fact that he wanted to sleep with me after our first date, was clingy to an extent in the beginning, and was lonely. That I can't let myself get so absorbed in someone I date's life that I lose my own. That I deserve better.
It also kind of showed me that I need to stop looking for "Mr. Right". Actually, obsessing about it. I need to take it easy for awhile and let myself heal from this latest blow to my heart. I don't know how faithful I will be to it, but I want to at least try and stay single for a bit.
Hate that it still hurts so much. Wish there was a turnoff switch for feelings and love.
On top of all of this (and during the same week this all went down) my aunt got some pretty devastating news about her cancer. It's spread into her liver and rectum. And because of her extensive past, there isn't much they can do. Even if there was, I don't think my aunt would pursue any of it. She's given up--she's fought long and hard, but she wants to enjoy the time she has left. She wants to die.
And it's a hard truth to face, as people who love and care about her so much. I wish she could go on fighting. That maybe, as my mother has been saying the last few days, the doctor has a magic solution and it will see her through this. That she will see her children get married and become a grandmother--which I know she wanted above anything else. That she would stay with us.
Sorry, I'm getting emotional and can't really talk about it more.
It's just another hard truth to face. And I guess I want to spend as much time with her as I can. Try and make things easier for her and the rest of the family. I feel guilty because I was so consumed with the demise of my relationship, that my emotions kind of took over when we got this news. The two overlapped in one week, and the pain my family was feeling turned into anxiety about me. When I should have been focusing on my aunt and family, I was focused on my own pain. I cannot think of myself--or even him--anymore. There are more important things in life, and it took this to make me realize it.
I'm hoping this week is better. That all of this will settle in a bit and we can all get back to semi-normal lives. Things have changed so drastically in one week, it's hard to believe.
But I guess that's life.
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