On The Eve of My Birth: Part Tres

I've done this for the past 2 years--written a blog entry right before my impending birthday. Usually it's a post about what I've learned from the last year and what I hope to gain in the following. It's always been fun for me to look back at where I was the year before and the hopes I had for myself.

I'll admit, last year came in on a high. My book had just been released, I was in a relationship with a guy who I was crazy about, working for a company I really liked, and I was excited for the birth of my first niece/nephew.

2013 seemed to be my year.

And for the most part it was. I got accolades on my first novel--voted to Kirkus Reviews Best of 2013 List--my niece Maggie was born and she brought light and love to all our lives. I started my next novel and am really excited about it. I also had my heart broken by the same guy I was crazy about. Not once but multiple times--every 2 weeks to be exact when he'd go on a weekend bender and "forget about me." But I took a chance on new love right at the end of the year, and for the first time I thought "this is my person."

But 2014, thus far, sucks ass.

• I've gotten very complacent with my job and don't feel the same way about it anymore.
• My "new love" turned out to be a sham. Of which I am still reeling--I don't think you realize how much you miss someone when they stop calling, even if they've hurt you beyond measure.
• My aunt has been given a fatal diagnosis and she has 4 months to live.
• I've given in to my mother's request and will be going back on medication for anxiety--a huge failure in my book.

I might be fixating on the awful things at the moment, but I'm truly consumed by it. Yes, some good things have happened this year--1 of which is I will be working with Larry Kane's (the Philadelphia Beatles guru) editor for my next book, which is HUGE for me and my sister is pregnant with her second child--but right now I can't see beyond the hurt in my heart to be excited for it.

I usually look forward to my birthday and this year I'm just not. I almost don't want the reminder of another year going by--another wasted year of more heartbreak and tragedy. Honestly, I'd rather sleep through the whole day and pretend it never happened.

So dreams for the next year?

I don't have any at the moment. All I want is to get through this next year with my wits about me and not completely crumble again. Which let's be honest, I know will happen and that reality scares me. I just wish things could be easier and my life would fall into place, instead of this constant upheaval every few months. Which YES, I get that's part of life and everyone goes through it. I guess I feel like I've had my fill for awhile.

Hopefully I'll look back at this post next year with a smile--because things were so bad but got better.

I guess I can hope....

Ripping off the Band-Aid

I've been contemplating for a few days whether or not to blog about what's been going on the last week or so. I use this blog a lot to vent about things going on and my life in general, and usually it's not in the greatest of taste and it's blunt. Not to say that I don't like that about myself because I do--and I don't really intend on changing that about my personality. But I'm in a numb state of devastation and bewilderment, and my feelings are really very raw at the moment.

That being said, I feel like I need some clarity and introspective re-evaluating of my life at the moment. That recent events have made me question a lot about myself and decisions I make.

The first would be with my personal life and relationship status.

It always comes back to this, doesn't it?

I was (and writing WAS still kind of stings) dating someone for about 4 months. I was happy. Unbelievably, completely, stupidly happy with him. It was sort of the first mature relationship I've been in ever. An adult relationship where I wasn't the sole stable one--he had his own house, a great career, ambitions and seemed to be sane. Everything sort of happened fast--within a month I had met his family, was being invited to family events, and spending a lot of time together. It also got to the point that he asked me if things got serious, would I consider moving to NYC with him--he works in NYC, but put his house up for sale in the hopes of moving there in the very near future. He also would be starting grad school in May, which would require him to be in NYC more--because he was going to NYU. And because I was so deliriously happy, I seriously started to consider it. Like to the point that I was imagining myself there and even went apartment-hunting with him. I really got involved with many aspects of his life, to the point that I feel like I was living his life and not my own anymore. Everything kind of became about him and his needs and schedule--which at the time I was okay with. I was happy just to be with him.

But I won't lie, I started to get kind of resentful of it. I started to realize he didn't seem too interested in things I had going on, and that conversations were always being switched back to him. Like we were out to dinner 3 weeks ago and I started a conversation about something, and it instantly went back to him and the amount of money he was paying out that month. I was annoyed and I know he saw it--I started looking out the window a lot, suddenly got very quiet and mentally decided to get really drunk that night just to get thru it.

Then within a week, everything crashed down and suddenly he "didn't have time" for me anymore. Granted, his schedule was getting crazy (as far as I know) but it doesn't take much to answer a phone call or shoot someone a text. It all led up him canceling plans on me twice in one week, not seeing me at all that weekend and then breaking up with me last Monday.

I was devastated. Beyond. And just confused--how can you go from wanting me like crazy to "my life's changed, I've changed and I don't want a long term commitment anymore." I'm not going to rehash the nitty gritty of it because I don't feel like reliving it again. Basically, he used me. He needed someone to fill a role for this (as he called it) "limbo period" between him living in PA and moving to NYC. That he thought he wanted a relationship, convinced himself  and me as much, but realized he didn't anymore--at my expense. So I filled his selfish needs and now he was done with me--even though he will probably remain in PA for quite sometime as his house hasn't sold yet and probably won't for awhile (a reality I don't think has hit him yet.)

Naturally, I was stupid and begged and pleaded to make it work. I sent him this massive e-mail describing our relationship and what I loved about him. Really making a complete fool of myself. He led me to believe he wanted to make things work, then ripped the rug from under me again. I've never felt so....violated and wronged in my life. And TRUST ME I've been through bad break-ups. But he really did me dirty and I'm still feeling the affects of it.

The worse part about is that I still care about him and wish things could be different. I threw some pretty nasty descriptions at him--including "Complete heartless dick" "Selfish Prick" "Cold" "inhuman" "Douchebag"--which I kind of regret now because I stooped to his level. I should have just cut off contact and I wish I had. But I was upset and....desperate. And I wanted him to feel and ounce of the pain he caused me.

I'm hurt. Very hurt. My self esteem is shattered. And I still think about him and want to cry. The worst part about it is that I miss him. More than anything, I miss him and what we used to have. Last night I packed up his stuff for him to come get--including the key to his house--and I waited for him to come. I guess to catch one last glimpse. I don't know why, I just felt like I needed to see him. Naturally he never showed. So I'll have to go through this song and dance all over again.

I am still incredibly hurt but I'm trying to move on--which is hard when everything I see reminds me of him and I just want to call him and tell him. Being angry helps to an extent but I need to start looking at this as a lesson learned. If I can't be a priority for someone, why should I waste my time? I should listen to the little voice in my head more often, especially if it's shooting off red flags, which was happening in the beginning--like the fact that he wanted to sleep with me after our first date, was clingy to an extent in the beginning, and was lonely. That I can't let myself get so absorbed in someone I date's life that I lose my own. That I deserve better.

It also kind of showed me that I need to stop looking for "Mr. Right". Actually, obsessing about it. I need to take it easy for awhile and let myself heal from this latest blow to my heart. I don't know how faithful I will be to it, but I want to at least try and stay single for a bit.

Hate that it still hurts so much. Wish there was a turnoff switch for feelings and love.

On top of all of this (and during the same week this all went down) my aunt got some pretty devastating news about her cancer. It's spread into her liver and rectum. And because of her extensive past, there isn't much they can do. Even if there was, I don't think my aunt would pursue any of it. She's given up--she's fought long and hard, but she wants to enjoy the time she has left. She wants to die.

And it's a hard truth to face, as people who love and care about her so much. I wish she could go on fighting. That maybe, as my mother has been saying the last few days, the doctor has a magic solution and it will see her through this. That she will see her children get married and become a grandmother--which I know she wanted above anything else. That she would stay with us.

Sorry, I'm getting emotional and can't really talk about it more.

It's just another hard truth to face. And I guess I want to spend as much time with her as I can. Try and make things easier for her and the rest of the family. I feel guilty because I was so consumed with the demise of my relationship, that my emotions kind of took over when we got this news. The two overlapped in one week, and the pain my family was feeling turned into anxiety about me. When I should have been focusing on my aunt and family, I was focused on my own pain. I cannot think of myself--or even him--anymore. There are more important things in life, and it took this to make me realize it.

I'm hoping this week is better. That all of this will settle in a bit and we can all get back to semi-normal lives. Things have changed so drastically in one week, it's hard to believe.

But I guess that's life.

A Funny Little Four Letter Word

No, not the four letter word you think I'm going to drop here.

The word I'm thinking of is Hope.

It's a pretty ordinary word. Obviously really short and only one syllable. But it could mean a lot to different people. I decided to Google the definition and this is what I found:

1. The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best
2. To look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence
3. To believe, desire or trust

And it's origins are before 900; (noun) Middle English.

And for fun I also Googled HOPE in images and found these:

 

 

These are pretty vague, I know and there were a lot of pictures--mostly just the word lit up in bright colors. It's kind of hard to pinpoint something like hope because it's more of a state-of-mind that anything else. It's not really tangible and can manifest in different way. It's believing with all your being in something. That against all odds, your dreams can come true. It's almost like a personal prayer--not necessarily to a god, but just to the universe. It's being optimistic when everything and everyone is fighting against you. It's something that entire nations and cultures have counted on--what would the Civil Rights Movement be without it, or people hiding from Nazi oppression during WWII? These people had to believe things couldn't get worse, that the universe had a greater plan for their suffering and one day, no matter how long it would take, that they would be released. It is a common denominator with all suffering people the world over: they pray and hope things will change.

But hope is a fickle thing.

Because it isn't tangible, there are no guarantees. There is no Hope Bank that grants wishes to a lucky few. Being too optimistic or too generous guarantees nothing. Hope can lead to major disappointment and continued heartbreak. It can let you down over and over again, beat you to the core. Many give up on Hope and just turn to reality--"This is reality. I need to live with what has been dealt me." It's a huge chance.

But still Hope endures.

Hope is something I am clinging to.

The last few days have been rough on me emotionally. I have something going on in my personal life that has broken me down to the core. I spent almost 3 days crying uncontrollably--to the point that my eyes starting to swell and hurt--and I didn't think I could carry on. I've felt the lowest I could possibly feel and what made it worse is that someone I loved made me feel like that. It still hurts.

But last night I got some needed relief in the form of an e-mail and now my despair has been replaced with overflowing Hope. It's my crutch right now--the only thing that made me get up this morning and come to work. To live normally and actually eat something.

But I'm scared. Scared that my Hope is foolish and I'll be thrown right back into my darkness in just a few days. It almost makes me want to abandon Hope; that maybe I'm convincing myself to be optimistic and the reality is I just stalled the pain. That if it all comes crashing in on me again, it will be ten times worse. I don't think I can survive it again.

I have to Hope.
I have to.
I have to.

Please give me strength Hope. Please.

UPDATE: " You're An Idiot. He's Using You."

So if you read my last blog post concerning my sister's resurrected relationship, you'll know that I wasn't too happy that she was giving that scumbag a second chance. And I was grappling with telling my sister the truth about it. In the end,  I spoke my peace to her, presented some pretty damning evidence of his "dick-ery". She kind of shut me out after that. I really haven't heard from her after I let the Tinder bomb drop. Which I attributed to her being mad at me because I was ruining her happiness, or some bull shit like that. I let this whole thing drop and decided to let her deal with her own life--I have enough stress in my own to worry about.

Meanwhile, I had a pretty lengthy conversation with my youngest sister about the situation. Initially, I hadn't because I was asked not to "gossip" about the situation, because my sister didn't want my parents getting wind of it--and rightly so. But after "Tinder-gate" I had to talk to someone. My youngest sister Liz is incredibly close with my other sister, and consequently was extremely close with the scumbag. She hung out with the two of them pretty consistently, and she had a friendship with him outside of their relationship. So I wasn't too sure about how she felt about them reconciling. I wasn't sure if she was happy for her.

Well she wasn't.

THANK GOD!

She basically reiterated everything I said and agreed with the common thought, "YOU'RE AN IDIOT. HE'S USING YOU". She was actually really mad at her about it, saying "Of course her friends are going to stand by her decision because they didn't see what we saw those few weeks. They didn't see her on a daily basis and the mess she was. We were the ones who had to deal with the aftermath, not him." She also went as far as to say that that relationship was the most unhealthy one she had ever been in--which is A LOT to say because her last boyfriend had some mental problems that surfaced and exploded during their relationship. She said that our sister had been trying to butter her up with "Oh he keeps asking about you and wants to hang out." Well she wanted none of that and actually wanted him to go far away forever.

Obviously, this made me feel ten times better.

The issue has died down a bit, but I still haven't really talked to my sister. Which I did find odd. I at least talked to her once or twice a week.

Now I know why. Last night my youngest sister told me that the scumbag was history...at least for now.

I guess when Tinder-gate was revealed, my sister had a sit down chat with the scumbag and aired everything out. Now, I'm not completely sure what was said and how it all went down, but basically he said he still wanted to work on things with my sister and see where it went, BUT he was unwilling to be exclusive or take down his profile. That he still wanted to "see what else was out there".

WHAT???!!!!!!!

He yet again, proved his dick-ery. Luckily, or so I'm told, she dropped him right there. They are no longer speaking and she has no intention of rekindling any flame with him. At least for now.

Apparently this happened almost immediately after I initially told her, which was a few weeks ago. So I'm kind of assuming it's one of those "tail between her legs" scenarios--she definitely does not like admitting she was wrong, ESPECIALLY to me. She'd rather act like it never happened to be honest.

But THANK GOD I had the balls to say something to her. If I hadn't, she'd still be dating the creep and potentially get an STD from whoever else he was sleeping with--and trust me, he is. It sucked having to burst that bubble for her, but it situations like these you have to put your feeling aside and just be honest. No, I did not want or relish in hurting my sister (which I know she was) but I was trying to protect her further heartbreak. I know I did the right thing.

And I love being right :)