Spring-aling

If you are living on the East Coast, I'm fairly certain you know how I'm feeling at the moment. Cold, rundown, and overtly angry at Mother Nature for dumping the Winter of 2014 on us. Mother Nature you are a real bitch! I quite literally haven't worked a full week since December, am now obsessed with checking weather reports, and am going stir crazy from being inactive. I am BEYOND sick of winter and all its snow and crappy weather.

Now it seems we are due for a Nor'easter on Thursday (2/13), which reportedly will dump over a foot of snow in the Philadelphia area?

Really? Really? Seriously, just go away snow!!

I'm not going to go on and on with this, as it'll be a very boring post. But I thought I'd make a pleasant little list of all the things I am looking forward to once Spring graces us with her presence. Maybe this will help me feel better and make the snow freeze a little faster? Probably not, but here we go.

1. Driving with my windows open
          This may seem simple, but there is nothing better than a long drive with the windows down and the wind blowing through your hair. And Spring air is simply the best.

2. No coats
          Girls will understand this. It is a freaking BITCH to coordinate cute outfits with appropriate outer attire. The cutest outfits just don't look good with a big, burly but warm coat. Plus, logging that shit around after you take it off is an even bigger bitch.

3. No more Pot Holes
         This year has been significantly worse with pot holes, especially near my work. I literally have to drive pressed up against the wheel, full alert and looking for them. Because we all know that just one, huge pot hole will destroy your tires. And that's all I need right now.

4. Flowers all abloom
         Spring is undeniably my favorite season just for the foliage. I live and die for watching landscapes open up with colors and pretty fragrances. I can't wait to have a beautiful arrangement of fresh picked flowers in my room--which I know I can do now, with flowers from the grocery store, but it just isn't the same.

5. Outdoor activities
          Probably the worst part about winter is being home bound for the majority of it. At times in the last 2 months it has literally been hazardous to leave your house and drive anywhere. Spring is all about the thaw out and the first thing I like to do is go on adventures to new places. Walk around in downtown Philly, take long drives to places you've never been, try new things. Literally cannot wait to travel and experience new things.

6. Baseball
        Baseball is my favorite sport to watch and even though the Phightin' Phils aren't the best, I can't wait to see my red and white boys take the field. And there's nothing better than watching a game from Citizen's Bank Field.

7. Back porch beers
       My dad needs very little excuse to "open up the backyard for the season." As soon as it is warm enough to do so, he sets up the lawn chairs, installs the twinkling lights that border our fence, and pops open our bar umbrella. Beers on our back patio are a constant fixture on Friday nights. And I am very much looking forward to it.

8. Longer Sunlit Days
       Driving home in semi-darkness is never fun. So I can't wait for Daylight Savings Time to start. It usually means the coming of warmer weather and eventually, summer days.

9. Spring Rains
      I know it sounds funny, especially with all the weather we are having that involves precipitation, but I love Spring Rains. The smell of it. The feel of it. I love going for runs right before a cloud burst, just on the off chance that I may get caught in a downpour. Nothing better.

10. Dresses
     My closest is bursting with cute spring dresses. I literally have no more room, but I recently bought 3 more just anticipating the warmer weather. I love the feeling of a dress, and there is nothing more feminine. It's also the easiest thing to wear, especially to work. I keep hoping the weather will get slightly warmer so I can wear at least one sometime soon. But I guess I'll have to wait...


This list is already making me feel slightly better.

But at the same time, it is making me more pissed at the coming forecast. I seriously, seriously HOPE this is the last of the winter blast for 2014. I can't handle another snow day of boredom. I WANT SUNSHINE AND WARMTH!

When I Realized I Am Old

He said, "See those lights? That's where we gotta go."

I looked ahead and "those lights" seemed like they were miles away.  Especially in the bitter cold, with 6 inches of snow on the ground. People were calling it the "Polar Vortex" which being outside for more than 5 minutes made me see why. The wind was whipping at my face, and the cold creeped up my toes and into my legs. And there wasn't a nice warm car at the end of this journey.

Just more cold.

I thought it was a great idea at first. Going to Core Creek Park and sledding at night. He told me to wear my "snow gear" and come on over. But the last time I had proper snow gear, I had braces. and a really bad haircut. Two layers of sweatpants and UGGs seemed to suffice. All I had to do was stay warm, and I was already sweating just standing in my toasty, warm house.  It didn't cross my mind that staying dry was a bit more important than being warm. Within 3 steps into the tundra in front of me, my pants were soaked and I was freezing.

But I couldn't say that.

I had to man up and keep going, no matter how bad my teeth were chattering or that each step ached my soaked feet. I shouldered my sled and kept walking. Talking helped and he had a lot to say about the park and childhood snow adventures. We pointed to the surrounding houses--all lit up in the grandeur and warmth--and picked one we'd buy if we ever had the money.

"Nah, that ones ceiling is too high. It'd be hard to clean the spiderwebs at the top," I said pointing to his choice with huge 10-foot ceilings.

"No one will be able to see them," he laughed.

"I'd know they're there!"

 Secretly, I wondered if the owners would let us in to warm up and offer us a warm refreshment if we knocked on the door. We just kept walking.

Then a fence erected out of nowhere, blocking access to our final destination. It was too high to climb and couldn't be crawled under. We followed it around, seeing no clear way.  It seemed we were stuck with nowhere to turn but around--and don't think for an instant it didn't make me slightly happy.

"Let's just cross here," he said, pointing to where the fence stopped and huge rocks covered a good 20 yards. The rocks wouldn't have been bad either, if they hadn't been covered in snow, hiding most of the crevasses and gaps between them. He went first, falling every few seconds between a gap and I followed. I told him to put his hands out in front of him, to protect  his face in case he really fell. Which he did, twice. Finally we crossed the stony meadow and reached our hill.

A steep drop into a valley that led into a creek.

I nervously laughed as he set up our sleds and frantically tried to think of excuses to not go--saying none of them out loud of course. He went first, making a sort of path in the pristine and untouched snow. His sled soared down the hill, over 2 slight humps and stopped only inches before the creek. He rolled off and called up for me to follow down.

"Oh Jesus," I thought as I sat down on my saucer and inched myself closer to the edge. I crossed myself and kicked off. The sled slid down the path like it was on rails. I screamed like a little girl as snow dust sprayed my face and blinded me. The sled started to turn and before I could stop it, I was going down the hill backwards. My stomach flipped and I held onto the sled for dear life. I instinctively planted my feet into the ground and stopped myself when I could feel the sled slowing down--having to walk back drenched from creek water seemed like the kind of death I would not appreciate. Luckily I stopped, and let my body fall back into the snow to catch my breath.

"A rush right," he asked with a big, toothy grin.

"Definitely a rush," I said.

"Ready to go again," he asked.

I looked up at him, and then at the steep hill we just came down and would need to climb back up. I gave an exhausted smile but nodded, remembering when I was 5 and this was fun.

But I think even then, climbing up the hill at the end of a sled ride sucked.

It just sucks more when you're 27.

The Smell of "Moving On"

I know I'm not the only person who feels this way, so I need to vent a bit about my relationship status. I know, I know. I bitch about this quite a bit, but I do believe my dating woes turn into some pretty funny and informative posts.

When a relationship ends, it is always a long, unfun process to get back to normal. If you were dating for awhile, you need to get used to not talking to that person every day or calling them when you see a something that you'd both find amusing. Start living on your own again, doing things for yourself, and stop referring to him as your boyfriend. You need to start making other plans on Fridays (aka "Date Night") and start doing more Girl Nights with your best friends. It's the slow process of taking down pictures, throwing away momentos and really just moving on. According to Girl Code, it usually takes half the time you were dating to get over someone.

For example: If you dated for 6 months:

6 / 2 =3

So in essence, it should take you 3 months to get over your ex. Or you have 3 months to mope and cry about him, but after that you need to buck-the-fuck-up. No extra innings, no overtime. GET OVER HIM! Don't get me wrong, break-ups are a bitch and we've all been through them and some people just don't jump back as easily.

For instance, my younger sister was basically living with the guy she was dating for the last 7 months. They did EVERYTHING together--and when I say EVERYTHING I mean EVERYTHING because they also worked together. She only really came home to do laundry or to get more clothes. So when he dumped her in November--because his best friend, who was newly single, wanted his "wing man" back--her entire world fell apart. She had to call out 3 days from work, stopped eating for a week and a half (she lost 15 pounds as a result) and also refused to sleep. It was a ROUGH 2 weeks. And he really screwed her over and was a major dick about everything. BUT her actions following were VERY dramatic and something I've never seen for myself. The only thing that got her through it--which is what I told her from day 1--was to get angry instead of sad. She's still upset about it, but a month from now when her "GET OVER IT" stage is done, she'll be a new woman and hopefully ready to date again.

And that's really what that time is for; to work on yourself until you are ready to put yourself out there again.

And that's kind of where I'm at.


If you follow my blog you know I broke up with my last boyfriend in August. If you weren't aware, it was an incredibly stressful and mind-fuck of a situation because he's an alcoholic. It was a very sticky situation for me--post-breakup--because I still wanted to be there for him to an extent. I wanted to be a friend and at least have lines of communication open if he needed someone's help or someone to talk to. And yes, it was a major crutch for me as well because we were still talking the same amount as before. I fully admit that was a mistake.

But now it's been awhile and I feel like I don't need that crutch or him in my life. So slowly, I've been trying to get back out there and just see what's available. I've also been talking to him a lot less. Recently, I started seeing someone new and am starting to fall for him hardcore. He's kind of everything that Kevin wasn't/isn't. What we have is so easy and stable, whereas Kevin was a roller coaster of bullshit. So I'm happy. Very happy.

So happy that I swear Kevin senses it and has chosen this time to creep back in. The last week, he has been blowing up my phone with text messages and commenting on everything I post to social media. The texts are all mushy and lovey-dovey in content and it's pretty obvious he misses me.

WHY!!!??

It's like radar; the guy who breaks your heart knows when you have started to move on, and swoops back in to muck everything up.

And it's not just him.

Post-Kevin, I was talking to this guy for a few months who I don't think quite understood the point of dating-- i.e actually putting effort and time in to seeing each other--but had me convinced that that's what we were. So I tried and tried and tried, but he was just so wrapped up in himself and only wanted me around when it was convenient.I had enough. I cut off all communication with him the beginning of November-- deleted his number, blocked him on instagram and snapchat. It was a clean cut and there has been no communication whatsoever. Dead silence from him.

Until this week. When he's been "liking" everything I post to Facebook.

Now I'm not trying to make something out of nothing and I know that's what it looks like. But from my own personal experience, I completely ignore everything an ex posts on Facebook and I would NEVER like or post anything on their page. I don't want that person to have the satisfaction of seeing my name pop up in their updates or think that I was thinking of them. And I think that's true across the board.

So I ask you, is this the real Sixth Sense?

Can exes sense when you are moving on and choose that exact moment to throw your emotions for a loop? Because I sure the hell think they can. I swear exes radiate a "I'm Happy" smell only for each other, and once they get a whiff they're all over you and won't go away.

"She's happy! I can smell it!"

That, or they're just horny.

Don't get me wrong, the attention is semi-flattering. And who wouldn't want their ex to come back and say "Hey, I was wrong." In my situation, I just wish they both realized it when they had me. Now it's too late and I'm not going back down that road with either of them.

And ignoring them seems to be the only solution.

That or inventing "I'm Miserable" perfume.

The Best of....

I feel like the word BEST is a very ambiguous term.

Dictionary.com had the following definitions of the aforementioned word:

1. of the highest quality, excellence, or standing
2. most advantageous, suitable, or desirable
3. largest; most
4. the highest quality to be found in a given activity or category of things

Pretty straight forward I think. Basically someone who can be ranked as #1 among their peers.

But where the ambiguity for me is how can someone truly be the best? Like first of all, who has the authority to rank anyone or hold a position that gives them the right to deem someone "the best"? Secondly, what if there's someone else out there who is better, but simply didn't throw their hat in the ring? So, I guess what I'm trying to get to is the word BEST is very linear and all based on perception. Really the word BEST is an opinion, not really set in stone.

Well.....I was totally under that mindset until this went to print today:

I got a call about 2 weeks ago from my publisher informing me that my book had been named to Kirkus Reviews Best of 2013 Indie List! I literally screamed out loud when I got the news, but was told to keep it quiet until the magazine went to print and the website was updated on 12/16. Can I tell you how hard it was keeping this quiet? Ok, sure...I may have told a few people (like the important people--my family and really close friends) but the vast majority were informed today via social media.

So....the word BEST. Maybe not so bad?
;)

For a full listing; here's a Link!

I'm super excited about this honor and am really hoping it leads to bigger and better things for me and my writing!

The Hills Weren't So Alive...

There are two things in my house that are pretty basic necessities and staples. These two things are Pork Roll--a breakfast meat that is very popular in the tri-state area --and The Sound of Music. Yes, Pork Roll is of itself hugely important and our house always has at least 4 packages of it in the fridge. It also HAS to be Taylor's. But The Sound of Music is almost like a religion to us.

We have it on videocassette, recorded from a television broadcast, on DVD--at least two of them--and the original soundtrack from the 1967 movie. If it's being aired, we all gather together to watch it or stay glued to it if we happen to channel surf our way to an airing. Collectively, we've probably seen it at least 1000 times. And my parents surprised us a few years back and took us to see the touring show when it game through Philly. And we all secretly want to plan a trip to Austria to see all the sites. As my Dad always says "It has everything! Great scenery! Great musical numbers! And Nazi's! You can't beat it!"

Now if The Sound of Music is our religion, then Julie Andrews is our god. Or goddess.

Like down on our knees, exultation and praise honoring her in all her British glory. Her voice is literally comparable to angels, and many tears were shed in my house when we all learned that her vocal chords were irreparably damaged in a botched surgery and she'd never sing again. "I'd sue them for all they were worth," my Dad says, in complete and utter outrage. Our love of Julie also transcends The Sound of Music, as our other love is for Mary Poppins. It's actually my Mom's favorite movie of all time.

Obviously The Sound of Music is beyond a classic in my house, and really in the entire musical theater world. The 1967 movie is something that has never been touched and really should never be recreated--it was perfect in every sense of the word. So needless to say, I was a bit miffed when I heard NBC would be producing a LIVE! telecast of the show in December.

Actually, I was a bit pissed.

What the hell is the point of touching a beloved classic? The original cast can never be recreated, so why even try? A travesty! A complete travesty!

But...I'll admit I was slightly intrigued by who they did assemble for the cast. Namely the leads; Carrie Underwood as Maria and Stephen Moyer (aka Vampire Bill from True Blood) as Captain Von Trapp.

Now it's pretty obvious that Carrie has the vocal chops for the role-- please YouTube "How Great Thou Art" and try not to get chills or cry--but I've never heard she could actually act. She was in that "Soul Surfer" movie a few years ago--and if you haven't seen it, don't feel bad, no one really did--but I didn't hear she was an acting prodigy or anything of the sort. And Vampire Bill obviously has the acting chops, but I don't think he's sang professionally before. But for me, him as a singer was kind of believable.

So on Thursday, December 5th my entire family and I assembled at my sister's house to watch the LIVE! Broadcast. We were all pretty excited. And it started....

And 3 hours later, it was over.

And my verdict?

Well....the scenery was pretty?

I'm sorry, it was just awful. Terrible. No good. Waste of 3 hours for me. So bad, that my best friend and I started texting back and forth during it. Here are a few examples:

 

 

 

 

Here's the thing. Carrie Underwood can't act her way out of a paper bag. Like she was so flat and one-toned. Kind of like she was more concerned about remembering all her lines than putting actual emotion or thought into the words she was saying in her dialogue. She was dead on with her vocals, I'll give her that but she should've kept her mouth shut for the rest of the show.

Stephen Moyer actually did a great job in the acting department but he suffered terribly from pitch problems. He was off key in just about every one of his songs, to the point that I was cringing and squeezing my eyes shut when his songs came up. It just wasn't good.

There were a few redeeming qualities--the Von Trapp children and Audra McDonald as Mother Abbess. The children were well rehearsed and on point at every turn. They obviously were a bunch of Broadway Brats and are used to the LIVE! aspect. And the scenes Carrie shared with them weren't as sufferable--she seemed to lighten up a little with them. And Audra McDonald. Wow. She was beyond great. Her rendition of "Climb Every Mountain" was astounding and I believe she will be nominated for an Emmy for her performance.

Overall, I was disappointed. But to be fair my expectations were pretty low. I may be in the vast minority--because I've heard a lot of people say they loved it--but I'm just not one of them. Sorry.

There's only one Julie Andrews.

And it's not Carrie Underwood.

Phobias

I think it's pretty normal to have a few fears in life. I'm not talking about fears that everyone has--like dying, or amounting to nothing in life. I'm referring to unique fears, fears that are particular to one person. Fears that have been cultivated and grown with time. Things that are truly crippling and can stop you from doing certain things.

For me, I have 3 major fears that have shaped my life in more than one way. And not always for the bad.

The first true fear I can remember--dating way back to when I was a wee Penny--is that of needles. You know, those sharp, pointy weapons of mass destruction they use to inject you with vaccinations at the doctors, when your mom swear there's no shot at this visit then you do have to get one and they swear it won't hurt a bit but in reality they are LYING and still jab you when you are least expecting it?

Yeah, those.

A fear of needles and shots is pretty normal for little kids. No one likes getting shots and being told you have to get one is not always a pleasant thought. But usually kids grow out of it, especially when they do in fact realize that the pain is momentary and by the time you exhale--from the large breath you take before they do it--it's already over. It's really all in your head.

But not for me. And this fear is something I still haven't outgrown. The last two times I've had to have blood drawn, I broke down in complete hysterics and basically had to be restrained. And I'm not kidding on the restrained part--2 rather large African American women had to basically sit on my lap and hold my arms down in order for the nurse to draw a few ounces of blood. I also accidentally/on purpose kicked one of them in the crotch while they were holding me down. Needless to say, I never went back to that doctor again.

On top of shots, I also was unable to get my ears pierced until I was 16 and I nearly fainted in the process. I also do not have any tattoos--which I actually really want one and have gone twice to get said tattoo but left both time without them. I also cringe every time I see a movie or watch TV shows that involve drug use and needles.

I guess my parents would consider my fear of needles a blessing in disguise, but it has definitely embarrassed me quite a bit. But I don't see it changing either--although I have gotten somewhat better as of late with giving blood.

My second fear of all fears is that of snakes.

Just looking at this picture gives me the willies!

Some would consider this a semi-normal fear. A lot of people abhor snakes and run from them at all cost. They're slimy, spooky, the epitomy of evil in a good Christian's view, and they can eat a person whole--have you ever seen the movie Anaconda? Yeah, that shit is no joke!

But my fear of snakes, is a bit more intense I believe. I literally get the shakes and feel faint. And run for the hills if I ever see one. Once, when I was 8 my dad took my sisters and I fishing off the Neshaminy Creek. I happened to catch a water moccasin--one of the most poisonous snakes in the world (in my opinion anyway). The minute I pulled it up with my rod and saw it, I dropped the rod, screamed bloody murder and ran for my dad's car. I wouldn't get out of it for the rest of the day. I also avoid the reptile house at the zoo, but that's a given.

So yeah, I'll never own a snake or date someone with a snake. Sorry fellas.

My last fear is probably the worst. It is my fear of heights.

I don't know what it is, but being up high and seeing the height scares the piss out of me. I start to hyperventilate and my legs start to shake beneath me. Then it gets hard to breath and I just break down in hysterics. It is my most crippling fear because it prevents me from doing quite a bit. I don't go on amusement park rides, I don't rock climb--which is something I funnily enough really want to try--climb high ladders, or go over suspension bridges. The worst one is probably the amusement park rides because it leads to pretty boring trips to Hershey Park or Dorney Park--I basically ride the iron bench the entire day.

But lately this fear has started to interfere with my job as well. We just moved into a new expansion in my building and everything is beautiful and new. One of the major plus's about this move is the storage they've equipped our department with. Which are huge shelves that rise about 10 feet high. In order for us to reach the top two shelves, they've also given us a set of rolling ladders. Kind of like the ones you see at libraries. Or the one below:

Well unfortunately part of my job description is that I have to organize everything for my department, which now involves me having to put all our samples on these shelves. So I have to climb to the top step of this ladder to get things on the top shelf. Obviosuly this is a major problem for me, and I've already had more than one nervous, tremor on the ladder and had to ask a coworker to help me down.

Yeah, it's that bad.

So now my whole department knows of my crippling fear which is a bit embarrassing. But it also puts me in a semi-vulnerable position because I work with a group of people who like to playfully jab at me. Which means I have to fear being thrown around on this ladder as a joke.


Those are my major fears. Feel free to comment on your fears so I don't feel so bad about mine. No seriously if you have a fear of squirrels or tin-foil, please comment below. We can be scaredy-cats together!

10 Steps to a Shiney Penny

I think I've done something similar to this before around my birthday and New Years, but I decided to make a list of ways to better myself. I've been going through a lot of different emotions lately and have been pretty depressed as of late---I think everything from the summer and beyond is catching up with me and it's making me question a lot about my life. I think part of my problem is that I'm starting to believe I am an "unlovable" person. Don't ask me why and it may be part of the delusion I've been experiencing lately, but I feel like part of my problem is that I don't truly love myself completely.

SO! I decided to be proactive with change and instead of making a mental list for myself and forgetting half of it in a week, I'd write it down and hold myself accountable to it. I came up with 10 changes I'd like to see. Here goes:

*Sorry if this was melodramatic or if this post isn't too entertaining to most, but this is something I almost feel like I need to do at this point*

    1.   Become more understanding and less judgmental

*Major hangup. I tend to make snap judgements of people too quickly or listen to what others say before I make my own decision. As a mature woman, I shouldn't do that. It sells myself and others short and I could be missing out on something fantastic.

      2.   Stop Lying

 *I lie about the stupidest things, just to get myself out of situations I don't want to be in. Like they aren't huge, life-changing lies but they are still untruths. It can be as simple as lying to my aunt (who I work with) about lunch plans, just because I don't want to spend an awkward hour with a woman I don't particularly like. I know everyone does it, but I do it WAY too often and with people I shouldn't be. I need to start being truthful.

    3.  Trust people

 *This goes hand in hand with lying. Because I know I lie a decent amount, I assume everyone does the same. Due to this, I never trust what anyone says to me. If a friend bails on dinner plans because they "aren't feeling well" I call bullshit without a second thought. I think it's a defense mechanism because I've been let down so often, so I get pissed instead of bummed. I need to start trusting people if they deserve that trust. 

   4.  Reach out to friends and family more

 *I have a tendency to let things well up inside of me and let it simmer until it's ready to explode. I don't like asking for help or reaching out to friends or family for support in times of need. I don't know why, but I always feel like a nuisance and don't want to bother anyone. I'd rather deal with it on my own--which is never dealt with. Support is what friends and family are there for, and I need to take advantage of them a bit more.

   5.  Stop being so needy in relationships

  *It's just not attractive and makes me look like a whiny little girl. I need to stand on my own two feet. I don't need constant attention or "I'm thinking about you" to get through my day. It's nice to have these things, but I shouldn't be seeking it at all hours of the day. I believe it's one of my major pitfalls and I drive people away.

    6.  Always be myself in a relationship
 
 *I tend to lose myself a lot once I'm with someone. I get involved with their activities and interests and forget about what I love to do. I feel like I do that to try and prove to the other person that I am their perfect match, when in reality I'm not and I'm almost disappearing in the process. It's not good. And I always end up bored and pissed.

   7.  PATIENCE! PATIENCE! PATIENCE!

*My Achilles heel. I've never had it with any aspect of my life and it has screwed up a lot of things for me. I end up rushing through things or not depending on other people when I should. I need to start letting things flow at a normal pace. Take a breathe and realize eventually things will get done and not everyone works at my pace.

   8.  Stop lashing out or being a bitch 

 *Another one of my faults. For some reason, I lash out on the people who love me the most--particularly my family--when it's completely unwarranted. Like if my mom asks me what I'm doing tonight, I will freak out or be really short with her. Usually its due to stress or the fact that I feel like my mom is incredibly nosey and has to know everything, but I shouldn't react like that. It always leaves me feeling awful and I need to stop it before I ruin relationships.

   9.  Be a better friend and sister

 *I want to work on all my relationships to an extent. I need to reach out and be a better sister and friend, especially because I want the same from my sisters and friends. Relationships are a two-way street; I can't expect them to come to me all the time if I don't go to them equally. I need to be there when they need me and be a better confidant.

   10.  Get out more and try new things

 *When I'm feeling down and depressed, I will stay locked in my room and talk to no one. I shut out the world and just wallow in my self-pity. Doing that doesn't help in the least bit. It makes it worse! I need to go out again--start enjoying life a little more and actually living. I need to try new things and find new hobbies. 


So there you have it! My ten steps to a new, shiny Penny! It's a lot to try and complete, but I don't think it's impossible. I'm also not setting a time limit on this, so I can work on it little by little. I just know I can't keep living the way I am, and I am serious about a major overhaul on my personality and day to day life.

Wish me luck!