On The Eve of My Birth: Part Tres

I've done this for the past 2 years--written a blog entry right before my impending birthday. Usually it's a post about what I've learned from the last year and what I hope to gain in the following. It's always been fun for me to look back at where I was the year before and the hopes I had for myself.

I'll admit, last year came in on a high. My book had just been released, I was in a relationship with a guy who I was crazy about, working for a company I really liked, and I was excited for the birth of my first niece/nephew.

2013 seemed to be my year.

And for the most part it was. I got accolades on my first novel--voted to Kirkus Reviews Best of 2013 List--my niece Maggie was born and she brought light and love to all our lives. I started my next novel and am really excited about it. I also had my heart broken by the same guy I was crazy about. Not once but multiple times--every 2 weeks to be exact when he'd go on a weekend bender and "forget about me." But I took a chance on new love right at the end of the year, and for the first time I thought "this is my person."

But 2014, thus far, sucks ass.

• I've gotten very complacent with my job and don't feel the same way about it anymore.
• My "new love" turned out to be a sham. Of which I am still reeling--I don't think you realize how much you miss someone when they stop calling, even if they've hurt you beyond measure.
• My aunt has been given a fatal diagnosis and she has 4 months to live.
• I've given in to my mother's request and will be going back on medication for anxiety--a huge failure in my book.

I might be fixating on the awful things at the moment, but I'm truly consumed by it. Yes, some good things have happened this year--1 of which is I will be working with Larry Kane's (the Philadelphia Beatles guru) editor for my next book, which is HUGE for me and my sister is pregnant with her second child--but right now I can't see beyond the hurt in my heart to be excited for it.

I usually look forward to my birthday and this year I'm just not. I almost don't want the reminder of another year going by--another wasted year of more heartbreak and tragedy. Honestly, I'd rather sleep through the whole day and pretend it never happened.

So dreams for the next year?

I don't have any at the moment. All I want is to get through this next year with my wits about me and not completely crumble again. Which let's be honest, I know will happen and that reality scares me. I just wish things could be easier and my life would fall into place, instead of this constant upheaval every few months. Which YES, I get that's part of life and everyone goes through it. I guess I feel like I've had my fill for awhile.

Hopefully I'll look back at this post next year with a smile--because things were so bad but got better.

I guess I can hope....

Ripping off the Band-Aid

I've been contemplating for a few days whether or not to blog about what's been going on the last week or so. I use this blog a lot to vent about things going on and my life in general, and usually it's not in the greatest of taste and it's blunt. Not to say that I don't like that about myself because I do--and I don't really intend on changing that about my personality. But I'm in a numb state of devastation and bewilderment, and my feelings are really very raw at the moment.

That being said, I feel like I need some clarity and introspective re-evaluating of my life at the moment. That recent events have made me question a lot about myself and decisions I make.

The first would be with my personal life and relationship status.

It always comes back to this, doesn't it?

I was (and writing WAS still kind of stings) dating someone for about 4 months. I was happy. Unbelievably, completely, stupidly happy with him. It was sort of the first mature relationship I've been in ever. An adult relationship where I wasn't the sole stable one--he had his own house, a great career, ambitions and seemed to be sane. Everything sort of happened fast--within a month I had met his family, was being invited to family events, and spending a lot of time together. It also got to the point that he asked me if things got serious, would I consider moving to NYC with him--he works in NYC, but put his house up for sale in the hopes of moving there in the very near future. He also would be starting grad school in May, which would require him to be in NYC more--because he was going to NYU. And because I was so deliriously happy, I seriously started to consider it. Like to the point that I was imagining myself there and even went apartment-hunting with him. I really got involved with many aspects of his life, to the point that I feel like I was living his life and not my own anymore. Everything kind of became about him and his needs and schedule--which at the time I was okay with. I was happy just to be with him.

But I won't lie, I started to get kind of resentful of it. I started to realize he didn't seem too interested in things I had going on, and that conversations were always being switched back to him. Like we were out to dinner 3 weeks ago and I started a conversation about something, and it instantly went back to him and the amount of money he was paying out that month. I was annoyed and I know he saw it--I started looking out the window a lot, suddenly got very quiet and mentally decided to get really drunk that night just to get thru it.

Then within a week, everything crashed down and suddenly he "didn't have time" for me anymore. Granted, his schedule was getting crazy (as far as I know) but it doesn't take much to answer a phone call or shoot someone a text. It all led up him canceling plans on me twice in one week, not seeing me at all that weekend and then breaking up with me last Monday.

I was devastated. Beyond. And just confused--how can you go from wanting me like crazy to "my life's changed, I've changed and I don't want a long term commitment anymore." I'm not going to rehash the nitty gritty of it because I don't feel like reliving it again. Basically, he used me. He needed someone to fill a role for this (as he called it) "limbo period" between him living in PA and moving to NYC. That he thought he wanted a relationship, convinced himself  and me as much, but realized he didn't anymore--at my expense. So I filled his selfish needs and now he was done with me--even though he will probably remain in PA for quite sometime as his house hasn't sold yet and probably won't for awhile (a reality I don't think has hit him yet.)

Naturally, I was stupid and begged and pleaded to make it work. I sent him this massive e-mail describing our relationship and what I loved about him. Really making a complete fool of myself. He led me to believe he wanted to make things work, then ripped the rug from under me again. I've never felt so....violated and wronged in my life. And TRUST ME I've been through bad break-ups. But he really did me dirty and I'm still feeling the affects of it.

The worse part about is that I still care about him and wish things could be different. I threw some pretty nasty descriptions at him--including "Complete heartless dick" "Selfish Prick" "Cold" "inhuman" "Douchebag"--which I kind of regret now because I stooped to his level. I should have just cut off contact and I wish I had. But I was upset and....desperate. And I wanted him to feel and ounce of the pain he caused me.

I'm hurt. Very hurt. My self esteem is shattered. And I still think about him and want to cry. The worst part about it is that I miss him. More than anything, I miss him and what we used to have. Last night I packed up his stuff for him to come get--including the key to his house--and I waited for him to come. I guess to catch one last glimpse. I don't know why, I just felt like I needed to see him. Naturally he never showed. So I'll have to go through this song and dance all over again.

I am still incredibly hurt but I'm trying to move on--which is hard when everything I see reminds me of him and I just want to call him and tell him. Being angry helps to an extent but I need to start looking at this as a lesson learned. If I can't be a priority for someone, why should I waste my time? I should listen to the little voice in my head more often, especially if it's shooting off red flags, which was happening in the beginning--like the fact that he wanted to sleep with me after our first date, was clingy to an extent in the beginning, and was lonely. That I can't let myself get so absorbed in someone I date's life that I lose my own. That I deserve better.

It also kind of showed me that I need to stop looking for "Mr. Right". Actually, obsessing about it. I need to take it easy for awhile and let myself heal from this latest blow to my heart. I don't know how faithful I will be to it, but I want to at least try and stay single for a bit.

Hate that it still hurts so much. Wish there was a turnoff switch for feelings and love.

On top of all of this (and during the same week this all went down) my aunt got some pretty devastating news about her cancer. It's spread into her liver and rectum. And because of her extensive past, there isn't much they can do. Even if there was, I don't think my aunt would pursue any of it. She's given up--she's fought long and hard, but she wants to enjoy the time she has left. She wants to die.

And it's a hard truth to face, as people who love and care about her so much. I wish she could go on fighting. That maybe, as my mother has been saying the last few days, the doctor has a magic solution and it will see her through this. That she will see her children get married and become a grandmother--which I know she wanted above anything else. That she would stay with us.

Sorry, I'm getting emotional and can't really talk about it more.

It's just another hard truth to face. And I guess I want to spend as much time with her as I can. Try and make things easier for her and the rest of the family. I feel guilty because I was so consumed with the demise of my relationship, that my emotions kind of took over when we got this news. The two overlapped in one week, and the pain my family was feeling turned into anxiety about me. When I should have been focusing on my aunt and family, I was focused on my own pain. I cannot think of myself--or even him--anymore. There are more important things in life, and it took this to make me realize it.

I'm hoping this week is better. That all of this will settle in a bit and we can all get back to semi-normal lives. Things have changed so drastically in one week, it's hard to believe.

But I guess that's life.

A Funny Little Four Letter Word

No, not the four letter word you think I'm going to drop here.

The word I'm thinking of is Hope.

It's a pretty ordinary word. Obviously really short and only one syllable. But it could mean a lot to different people. I decided to Google the definition and this is what I found:

1. The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best
2. To look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence
3. To believe, desire or trust

And it's origins are before 900; (noun) Middle English.

And for fun I also Googled HOPE in images and found these:

 

 

These are pretty vague, I know and there were a lot of pictures--mostly just the word lit up in bright colors. It's kind of hard to pinpoint something like hope because it's more of a state-of-mind that anything else. It's not really tangible and can manifest in different way. It's believing with all your being in something. That against all odds, your dreams can come true. It's almost like a personal prayer--not necessarily to a god, but just to the universe. It's being optimistic when everything and everyone is fighting against you. It's something that entire nations and cultures have counted on--what would the Civil Rights Movement be without it, or people hiding from Nazi oppression during WWII? These people had to believe things couldn't get worse, that the universe had a greater plan for their suffering and one day, no matter how long it would take, that they would be released. It is a common denominator with all suffering people the world over: they pray and hope things will change.

But hope is a fickle thing.

Because it isn't tangible, there are no guarantees. There is no Hope Bank that grants wishes to a lucky few. Being too optimistic or too generous guarantees nothing. Hope can lead to major disappointment and continued heartbreak. It can let you down over and over again, beat you to the core. Many give up on Hope and just turn to reality--"This is reality. I need to live with what has been dealt me." It's a huge chance.

But still Hope endures.

Hope is something I am clinging to.

The last few days have been rough on me emotionally. I have something going on in my personal life that has broken me down to the core. I spent almost 3 days crying uncontrollably--to the point that my eyes starting to swell and hurt--and I didn't think I could carry on. I've felt the lowest I could possibly feel and what made it worse is that someone I loved made me feel like that. It still hurts.

But last night I got some needed relief in the form of an e-mail and now my despair has been replaced with overflowing Hope. It's my crutch right now--the only thing that made me get up this morning and come to work. To live normally and actually eat something.

But I'm scared. Scared that my Hope is foolish and I'll be thrown right back into my darkness in just a few days. It almost makes me want to abandon Hope; that maybe I'm convincing myself to be optimistic and the reality is I just stalled the pain. That if it all comes crashing in on me again, it will be ten times worse. I don't think I can survive it again.

I have to Hope.
I have to.
I have to.

Please give me strength Hope. Please.

UPDATE: " You're An Idiot. He's Using You."

So if you read my last blog post concerning my sister's resurrected relationship, you'll know that I wasn't too happy that she was giving that scumbag a second chance. And I was grappling with telling my sister the truth about it. In the end,  I spoke my peace to her, presented some pretty damning evidence of his "dick-ery". She kind of shut me out after that. I really haven't heard from her after I let the Tinder bomb drop. Which I attributed to her being mad at me because I was ruining her happiness, or some bull shit like that. I let this whole thing drop and decided to let her deal with her own life--I have enough stress in my own to worry about.

Meanwhile, I had a pretty lengthy conversation with my youngest sister about the situation. Initially, I hadn't because I was asked not to "gossip" about the situation, because my sister didn't want my parents getting wind of it--and rightly so. But after "Tinder-gate" I had to talk to someone. My youngest sister Liz is incredibly close with my other sister, and consequently was extremely close with the scumbag. She hung out with the two of them pretty consistently, and she had a friendship with him outside of their relationship. So I wasn't too sure about how she felt about them reconciling. I wasn't sure if she was happy for her.

Well she wasn't.

THANK GOD!

She basically reiterated everything I said and agreed with the common thought, "YOU'RE AN IDIOT. HE'S USING YOU". She was actually really mad at her about it, saying "Of course her friends are going to stand by her decision because they didn't see what we saw those few weeks. They didn't see her on a daily basis and the mess she was. We were the ones who had to deal with the aftermath, not him." She also went as far as to say that that relationship was the most unhealthy one she had ever been in--which is A LOT to say because her last boyfriend had some mental problems that surfaced and exploded during their relationship. She said that our sister had been trying to butter her up with "Oh he keeps asking about you and wants to hang out." Well she wanted none of that and actually wanted him to go far away forever.

Obviously, this made me feel ten times better.

The issue has died down a bit, but I still haven't really talked to my sister. Which I did find odd. I at least talked to her once or twice a week.

Now I know why. Last night my youngest sister told me that the scumbag was history...at least for now.

I guess when Tinder-gate was revealed, my sister had a sit down chat with the scumbag and aired everything out. Now, I'm not completely sure what was said and how it all went down, but basically he said he still wanted to work on things with my sister and see where it went, BUT he was unwilling to be exclusive or take down his profile. That he still wanted to "see what else was out there".

WHAT???!!!!!!!

He yet again, proved his dick-ery. Luckily, or so I'm told, she dropped him right there. They are no longer speaking and she has no intention of rekindling any flame with him. At least for now.

Apparently this happened almost immediately after I initially told her, which was a few weeks ago. So I'm kind of assuming it's one of those "tail between her legs" scenarios--she definitely does not like admitting she was wrong, ESPECIALLY to me. She'd rather act like it never happened to be honest.

But THANK GOD I had the balls to say something to her. If I hadn't, she'd still be dating the creep and potentially get an STD from whoever else he was sleeping with--and trust me, he is. It sucked having to burst that bubble for her, but it situations like these you have to put your feeling aside and just be honest. No, I did not want or relish in hurting my sister (which I know she was) but I was trying to protect her further heartbreak. I know I did the right thing.

And I love being right :)

"You're An Idiot. He's Using You"

I know we've all heard the saying "Opinions are like assholes; everyone has one." And obviously this is true. No matter the situation or your involvement in it, everyone thinks they are the expert and want to give their opinion in the hopes that you will take it. And NO ONE can say they don't get a slight satisfaction when they are right and their counterpart says as much. It's a personal high for me--I LOVE being right, and being told is even better

But what if the person who confides in you really doesn't want your opinion, even when they ask for it or involve you in their drama? What if they just expect you to be quiet and nod your head in agreement with whatever they say? Can you in good conscious say nothing when you know they are making a HUGE mistake?

Let me explain.

A few months back, I briefly touched on my younger sister's recent breakup. It was a BAD one. She was very wrapped up in the relationship--she was rarely home, they worked together so it turned into her staying at his place every night and they drove in together, she helped him move and decorated his new place, met his parents, gave up Thanksgiving with her family to go to New York to celebrate Hanukkah with his, catered to his every whim, and really mothered him. She thought she was going to marry him and even started planning their life together. Not gonna lie, it was nauseating.

And let me clarify that I was not jealous of her happiness. It was just frustrating for me to watch her get so wrapped up in a guy who seemed like a jerk and completely lose herself inside of the relationship. She changed. Majorly.

So then he dumped her--which I called 3 months prior--because he "wanted to be single, and he didn't love her, and never wanted a girlfriend." It also had a lot to do with his now single roommate who, as soon as he dumped his own girlfriend, suddenly had a problem with my sister being at their apartment all the time and wanted his "wingman" back. Personally, I think he cheated on her during a "guys trip" to AC that occurred 2 days before the breakup, felt guilty, and wanted his freedom back. Needless to say, my sister's world fell apart. And she took it quite hard. Like beyond hard. She had to call out of work 3 days in a row, stopped eating--and subsequently lost 15 pounds in 1 week--stopped sleeping, and was ready to throw in the towel with her Grad School finals happening that week. In every sense of the word, she was suicidal and we were all very worried about her. It was BAD. And there was no shaking her out of it. All she did was cry and say she just wanted to talk to him, or go to sleep and never wake up. Meanwhile, he immediately de-friended all her friends on Facebook and started friending a bunch of 21 year old sluts who he probably met out that weekend--really classy.

This lasted for about 2 weeks. 2 weeks of hell that had my entire house on edge. To the point that my father--who is not a violent man in the least bit--wanted to drive out to his house and "put a bullet in his skull." It got even worse when she told my parents that she didn't want to celebrate Christmas--which was the next week. That was enough for my parents to give her a taste of tough love. My dad gave her three choices: To get over it and come back to the world of the living, get the hell out of his house, or he'd go and knock his knees out and end up in jail. And I guess that snapped her out of it and she started getting back to normal.

Almost immediately, she started making plans to move out and get an apartment with her friend in Manayunk. Problem is, which we all pointed out to her, that's where her now ex-boyfriend currently resided. She swore he had nothing to do with her choice, but I don't think I'd chose a small town if I wanted to avoid someone who lived there. Just seems stupid. So within 2 weeks of her making this decision, she moved out. And she seemed incredibly happy and back to her old self. And besides 1 awkward run-in she had managed to avoid the ex and seemed to be moving on with her life.

Or so I thought.

On Friday, I got one of those phone calls from her that start with "I'm going to tell you something but you can't be mad at me." Seriously the most awful way to start a conversation. And I knew what was coming next; they were "talking" again. Apparently she had drunk texted him a month before, which turned into her going to his house the next day for a 6 hour long conversation, where he told her he "got scared" and things were moving too fast and he thought she was expecting a ring from him and he missed her and wanted to try it again. And she, like a dope accepted it. And they had been hanging out irregularly--or every 2 weeks, because she didn't want to see him all the time--and "taking things slow." That she wanted to give him a second chance and she knew if she didn't she'd always regret it.

Now I ask you; How would you react? Would you tell her what she wants to hear and keep your mouth shut about your real feelings?

 

Or tell the truth? No matter the result?

Well....I've made it pretty obvious in this blog that I can't keep my mouth shut and I kind of exploded. Like I was mad! More than that, I was disappointed. She had made my, and my family's, life AWFUL with this breakup and now she was going to take him back? Don't you remember what he did to you? Don't you remember the hysterics you went through? Basically I told her that she was an idiot and he was using her--that obviously he was lonely (which was what he told her when they broke up, as  to why he constantly invited her over and wanted her there) and now that she lived closer, it was more convenient. That he obviously couldn't find anything better and came slinking back because he knew it'd be easy. She'd never be able to bring him home or around us because we all hated him (and I hope he knows that) and she will break my father's heart if he gets wind of this. She had complete blinders on and seemed to forget the past--which she said they were trying "to move on from the past". Like come on!

I basically wrapped up my whole opinion telling her that if I ever saw him out, I'd remove from his body what he cherished most of all. Obviously, this wasn't the response she was expecting and I think she got a little angry at me. But I'm not sure what she thought I was going to say--in what universe would I be happy for her?

The plot thickened the next day when I got a text from my older sister's best friend who joined the Dating App Tinder.

And guess who's profile she found.

*GASP*

Yup! The ex-scumbag. She sent me a screenshot of it and there's no denying it's him.

Now this site is very notorious for "booty-call/hookups" by guys. I've actually been told by quite a few that their friends use this site and "get so much ass". I think its because everything is based off your picture. There are no profiles or matching of any kind, so everything is based off of immediate physical attraction.

I was then faced with another burdening question: Do I tell my sister? Or pretend I never saw this?

I mentioned before how I love being right, right?

I sent her the picture and explained how I got it. She immediately wanted more information, especially concerning the last time he was on the site (which after some snooping we found out was 21 hours previous). And apparently she confronted him about it. I really thought this would be the nail in the coffin--who in their right mind would stay with an ex, who you're already on rocky ground with, once you find their dating site profile? How can you ever trust them!? Or trust their intentions!? I didn't like that I was dashing my sister's hopes of a renewed love-affair with the "love of her life", but I was glad he'd shortly be history.

Well I was wrong.

Her response to me asking what happened after the confrontation was; "I need to trust him more. I'm glad you are protective of me and I love you for it but I have to make this decision on my own."

WHAT?!

The evidence that he's a creep and is using you is staring you in the face, but you are still going to give him the benefit of doubt? Are you delusional? It's obvious he's desperate if he's on dating site to begin with, but he's also using it while you two are "trying to work things out". How could she ever trust him? I literally wanted to drive out to her work, go to her office, and shake the shit out of her. I just can't understand how you can be so dumb.

There's literally no talking any sense into her. She's going to do what she wants regardless of what anyone thinks. I still have hopes that she'll wake-up tomorrow morning, text me and say "You were right." But I'm not holding my breath.

But I am keeping my mouth shut for now on when it comes to him.

And praying, for his sake, that he stays the fuck away from me.

Freakin' Frozen

Apparently I am very "late to the party" with one of the best cinematic experiences of 2013. I had been hearing HUGE buzz about it for months, saw a lot of intriguing previews, and had every intention of seeing it in the theater. But no one would go with me or things would come up. And then I just forgot. Then a few weeks back, I started seeing all these YouTube videos about it and got very curious again. Feigning the whole "seeing it by myself in the theater," I figured I'd wait until it came out on DVD. Luckily, my sister found a website that streamed it (*illegally* sorry guys) and two weeks ago I was able to FINALLY watch it (on my iPhone). And I was blown away.

Literally.

What movie you may ask?

Why Disney's FROZEN of course!

 

Yes, I am a twelve year-old girl. AND DAMN PROUD!

 

It was beyond everything I expected and I quickly became quite obsessed--I downloaded the soundtrack moments after finishing it, learned all the words to the songs and also watched it twice in one weekend.

 

Again, I'm a twelve year-old girl.

 

Now usually I am very impressed with Disney. Their movies make up the majority of my childhood and I'm a Disney expert--for real, try challenging me to Disney Trivia, you will cry like a baby after I THROTTLE you with the amount of useless Disney knowledge I possess. And although I've never been to Disney World itself ( yes *GASP* but I will be remedying this come June when I go for the first time with my sisters), I consider myself one of the biggest Disney fans. But...I'll admit the animated musicals have been laking lately. Pixar movies aside, there hasn't been much offered in the last 20 years or so. I think the last animated Disney movie I saw and actually enjoyed was Beauty and the Beast which was back in the 90s. I just feel like the story-lines, animation and especially the music has been majorly flawed. Nothing stacks up to the likes of The Little Mermaid, Lion King, Or Sleeping Beauty in my book.  I'll admit I didn't actually see The Princess and the Frog, which is more recent Disney animated musical, but I heard good things.

 

Then Tangled happened.

 

 

 

And my belief in Disney was restored.

 

Obviously Tangled was a HUGE success and in many ways it rejuvenated animation for Disney. I guess they figured they had a winning formula again--fairytale princess, huge dilemma, love story, magic, great music--and they decided to invest in future projects.

 

But if I'm going to be honest here, I have to say Frozen went above and beyond. In fact, it trumped its predecessors--which is a HUGE compliment. The story itself was something Disney hasn't delved into before--yes, it was loosely based on Hans Christian Anderson's The Snow Queen (very VERY loosely based) and sticks with a fairy tale theme. But it looks more to the relationship between sisters, than between a princess and her prince. The sisters are not rivals or set against each other, but both give up something in their lives in order to protect the other. The movie builds on the bond between these two sisters and their love is at the core of it.

 

 

 

And as a girl with 3 sisters, I can totally relate.

 

True love or "love at first sight" is also discussed in length, and shot down as impossible. Which, if you've seen any Disney Princess movie you know is a major theme. The princesses meet their prince for a day, an hour even and instantly fall in love. There is no courtship or "getting to know you" stage, they see each other and are married in the next frame. Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid--all the major Disney classics follow this formula. And it honestly gives little girls (and boys) unrealistic expectations, which lead to major disappointments and a "ticking clock" later in life. Love does not happen like this, at least not in the real world in 2014. And Frozen tackles this issue. Ana, the younger sister meets a prince at her sister Elsa's coronation and falls in "love". When she asks for her sister's blessing, Elsa says she won't give it because "you can't fall in love in one day." And the theme goes through the entire movie, with Ana trying to convince people she is, in fact, in love and that it is possible. There is a major twist at the end, which I won't give away, but it confirms Elsa's belief. It's truly genius that they basically knock the Disney movies of the past with this notion, and it's such a positive message for young people.

 

Now the music is something else entirely. Usually the music from Disney movie's is of a high caliber and boasts at least one huge number. And when you think of Disney music, most people think of Alan Menken. He did the music for The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast and Tangled--to name a few. And he was slated to also compose the music for Frozen but backed out for some reason. A fresh new team stepped in and kind of breathed a new life into the genre. The songs were funny, witty, age-appropriate, beautiful and timely. Don't get me wrong, I love Alan Menken, but his music always seems to hit the same note or have the same feel. And the music from Frozen was very different in a good way.

 

And don't even get me started on "Let It Go".

 

 

Probably one of the most powerful songs in Disney history. And with the unbelievably talented IDINA MENZEL's (get it straight, JOHN TRAVOLTA) vocal chops, you can't miss.

 

She killed it! And the song was well deserving of the 2013 Oscar. YouTube her performance on Jimmy Fallon if you want to judge for yourself

 

If this blog hasn't convinced you yet, then I will say it in plain terms: GO SEE FROZEN.

 

Seriously, I have not had that much fun with a movie in a long time and it is well worth your time and money!  And if you don't want to spend the money, message me and I'll forward you the free (*illegal*) link I have.

 

Great....now I want to watch it again!

Love it!







Driving Through the Past

Have you ever passed a building or an old neighborhood that, with just one look, brings back a thousand tiny emotions? Emotions that haven't hit you in awhile? Just driving by one of these places dredges up memories long forgotten. And you don't need to stop or pullover, it just hits you all at once like a ton of bricks and changes everything you were doing before.

Yeah.

Kind of happened to me Saturday night.

I was driving home from my sister's new apartment in Manayunk. She moved out about a month ago and was having all her friends over for an "apartment-warming" and drink-fest. Normally, I am all about these get-togethers, but I'm doing a cleanse this week and can't drink any alcohol and my sister's friends.....well, I don't really like them. Needless to say, I left early and was feeling a bit sad. I just hate going home alone and walking in to a quiet house. Made me feel even more lonely than I had at my sisters apartment. I was also Mario Kart-ing it the whole way home, trying to avoid massive pot holes that are currently plaguing the Philadelphia area. It's pretty stressful actually to drive like that, praying the whole time you get home alive and with all 4 tires intact. And driving down Roosevelt Blvd at 11:30 at night is basically asking for a blow out.

My nerves couldn't take anymore, so once I got into Mayfair I decided to turn off the Blvd and onto Holme Ave. I figured the streets wouldn't be a perilous and the drive would be a tad more scenic. When I pulled onto the street, I realized I hadn't been that way in quite a while. There was construction for almost a year on an old bridge about a quarter mile down and the entire area was detoured off to a side street. I remembered not knowing about the construction when I needed to get to the cleaners on Holme Ave, and having to drive 15 minutes out of my way to get my final destination. So pissed in fact that I completely avoided this area for over a year. But driving on it then made it feel all shiny and new--like a street I had never driven down before. The dark made it feel ominous and magical, and it was almost completely deserted. Still afraid of pot holes, I drove pretty slow and tried to take in the scenery. Ahead of me was a traffic light, so I slowed to a stop and waiting for the green. I turned my head to the side to stifle a yawn, and when I opened them I saw the street sign to my right that was glowing from the street lamp.

And I realized I was in front of Jay's neighborhood.

It took me back instantly.

To that summer before senior year of college when Kyle invited me to Jay's birthday party. Jay and I went to college together and I actually knew his girlfriend pretty well, so I knew a lot of people there. But Kyle invited me. Kyle, the guy who worked with my best friend in high school. Kyle, who I reconnected with in college when he went to DeSales for a year. Kyle, the guy who I secretly had a crush on, but couldn't say anything because so did my best friend. We had started talking again that summer and he invited me to hang out. It was all kinds of awkward but I went anyway. I talked myself out of leaving every ten minutes, especially when I saw Kyle talking to another group of girls. But I stayed and eventually the night turned. We sat and laughed for hours and talked about the basement house party where we met--the night he handed me my first underage beer and I got drunk off of one. It was strangely normal and comfortable, and time slipped by. The sun actually started to rise and I looked at my watch, seeing it was 5:30 am. I knew I had to leave, so he walked me to my car.

And pulled me in for a kiss.

Everything changed in that moment.

It was what I wanted for years, and it fulfilled every expectation.

It was the start of a whirlwind summer that ended far too soon, and with far too many questions lingering. That, to this day I still don't have the answer to.

And never will, because Kyle was killed in a car accident 3 years ago.

It's hard for me to think about him without getting emotional. There was so much there and so much potential for us. Deep down, I truly believed I would end up with him. Soul mates, whatever you want to label it, it was just intense. And distance is what ended things--I was going back to school and he was staying in Philly. But now he's gone and I'll never know if he felt the same way.

And I guess that's what hurts the most.

The not knowing.

The light turned green again, and I drove the rest of the way home. Tears streaming down my face, and a re-opened hole in my heart.